A New Life

My New Website is Live!

2011-04-07T08:55:00.010-05:00

I have been working for several months (with the help of some awesome designers at Tekeme Studios) to launch my new website/blog.

I'll be utilizing my new site to talk about faith, marriage, overcoming fear, finding true hope, following God's call, teaching our children about Jesus, our process of adopting through foster care, and ministry updates for my work with abused women and children.

Would you consider joining me there instead? You can subscribe via email or RSS feed and you can follow on Facebook here

Also, if you have linked to me from your own site, please update the link to http://www.lindseyhartz.com/ , as I will no longer be using this blog on blogger.

Thank you so much for your presence here in my little journaling space online- I've loved every minute, loved meeting and interacting with so many of you, and can't wait to see how God moves with my new site!

**Some content outside the actual blog is still "under construction." Please bear with me as it is updated over the next day or so**

Blessings,

Lindsey

These Four Walls {a heartfelt goodbye}

2011-03-14T23:44:00.003-05:00

I’m cleaning out closets and drawers and the mess is piling up; toys and clothes and papers and memories scattered all around me as I try to let go of my tight grip on life as I’ve known it.

Tears keep falling as I go about the business of preparing for a move that is literally going to change our very being- the very essence of us. And it hurts, this leap of faith, this deliberate leaving behind of family, friends, church.

I sat in this same spot a few years ago and cried rivers of hurt onto my wood floors, the Bible and notes and a study spread all around me. Pleaded with the why my hurt was still so great, why my heart was still so strangled, why I couldn’t forgive my self or anyone around me.

Jesus picked me up off this floor. This spot right here. He forgave me, so I could forgive others. He loved me, so I could love others.

I run my hands across the grain and wonder at the life pulsing in the room and my heart and I don’t want to leave and the fear is creeping in.

I think, this time, the change is harder to swallow now that we are in a place of hope, now that we know Love and Grace and sweet precious God-joy.

“Before,” change was desperate and drowning and white-knuckle clinging to a faith that was unraveling fast and furious under an onslaught of grief and anger and fear.

And I blink and I know fear has no place in my life, I know I learned that in these four walls of the home wrapped around me. The walls that still carry echoes of a screaming husband and wife, of crying and scared children~ ~empty hearts and hate {pain} filled eyes cutting each other to shreds with words and broken promises and accusations…the whisper of how could you hurt me so deeply a constant refrain to each other. The same walls that now carry the sweet melody of new love and abundant life and joy and laughter.

This fear is different than “before”…the unknown is looming, the why of the move not quite making sense to those who love us and frankly to even us sometimes.

We can’t explain the why, just know the need and the Call and the desire to obey is stronger than any rationale thought, deeper than any logical way we try to talk ourselves out of it or make any sense of how we will live, where we will live, where we will plant and blossom and bloom.

We say yes anyway, jumping together with trust in the One who made us and made this plan and I know that alone is enough for me.

The last time we jumped together was to save that marriage that had been ground to dust, trampled and bloody and lifeless and cold.

The ensuing years of pain, heartache, and tears; the stripping of ourselves and the shredding of our hard hearts to get to the real issue behind it all, the absence of God...

And then the explosion of Life and awareness of who we are and why we are here and how we are loved and cherished and purposed...

It was worth it.

Was

Worth

It.

And this will be too.

To all those who have held our hands, wiped our tears, lifted our heads, and shone Jesus to us through one of the most difficult periods of our lives…

Thank you.

We can never adequately express how much we will miss you in this life, but are so very thankful of our assurance that we will see you again, in the Life that matters.

We love you so.

Growing Up is So Hard!

2011-02-16T06:12:00.009-06:00

Earlier this week my daughter and I were sitting on the couch talking about school and homework and life in general, when she suddenly stopped talking in the middle of her sentence. I glanced over and she looked at me very seriously and said “Growing up is so hard!"

I love little moments like this- where we transition from the normal surface talk of her life to the deeper thoughts and emotions that have started to become more evident as she has grown older. She’s approaching the dreaded “tween” years, and both momma and child have been learning to talk with each in a whole new way.

She has had to navigate what it means to really express herself in a way that is respectful…but has also had to learn how to take a deep breath and “just ask” those questions that are rather uncomfortable and embarrassing for a little girl to ask. Everything from injustice in the world, modesty in clothing, boys, the unfairness of chores, body image, and hygienic care has come up recently in our conversations.

I’ve had to earn how to navigate what it means to accept my child expressing herself in an independent way that makes her feel comfortably at ease…but also had to learn to let her ask those questions (that I don’t always know the answer to right away!) and guide her gently and lovingly.

I’m a big researcher when it comes to parenting my children; therefore I often read a lot of books and articles in print and online to help prepare me for the years ahead. My biggest goal in my parenting is to build and maintain healthy, loving, and encouraging lines of communication with my children. Interestingly enough, I came across a resource in a surprising place that I’d love to share with you.

“Don’t Fret the Sweat” was a sponsor at the Blissdom conference and was promoting their website geared towards building confidence in our tweens when it comes to body odor, of all things! Their tag line is “Your glorious guide to sweat, kids, and confidence” which honestly makes me laugh every time I read it, simply because I can’t believe I now have a child old enough to worry about that!

While the site has some great information on how to help my daughter and I navigate one of the “smellier” aspects of growing up with lots of information and product recommendations, my favorite resource there is called “Perspectives in Parenting,” written by a panel of moms and parenting experts. Great articles provide tips on communication during these tween years that have had me nodding in agreement as I read. They are also peppered with humorous conversations the panel has had with their own children as they too navigate this new world of a child growing up.

You can view their website or follow on Facebook where they have created a community for parents to connect, share stories, and discuss advice. I wholeheartedly agree that “Growing up is so hard” and appreciate all the help I can get in guiding my daughter through this transition!

*This article was written as part of a campaign coordinated by Blissdom events

Two Giveaways from Tommy Nelson Kids!

2010-11-30T08:17:00.046-06:00

Via Random.org, the winners are:

Timestamp: 2010-12-06 13:57:38 UTC

Katie has won The King’s Christmas List

welcome to our wonderland has won A Christmas Prayer

Congratulations; I pray you enjoy these stories as much as we have!

**If prizes are not claimed within 48 hours I will reselect winners

I had the pleasure of meeting several beautiful ladies from Tommy Nelson Kids at a conference I attended in October, and am excited to offer you all the chance to win products from them here on a monthly basis.

I have used their products for years with my kids because they offer such a wide variety of faith-filled, encouraging, and biblical material that is age appropriate. My kids adore the beautiful storybooks and devotionals offered through their site.

The Giveaways!

The first giveaway is a precious story focusing on Holiday Prayer.

Amy Parker's A Christmas Prayer

This is a precious storybook for little ones 2-5 that tells the Christmas story through the character’s in a typical household nativity set. The child in the story offers prayers of thanks and blessing for each of the characters as he wanders through his house on a snowy Christmas night. It has interactive dialogue and soothing rhyme so your child can repeat the prayers and wind down for bedtime. Would be great as an advent tradition – to read with your little ones before bed in the nights before Christmas and learn about each member of the Nativity scene.

The illustrations in this book are beautiful and

show a young girl expressing thankfulness for many aspects of the birth of baby Jesus. My children loved the lyrical writing and have asked me to read it again and again, saying they loved the aspect of remembering to be thankful for unusual things and people in the story. I loved that this made them think about being thankful for all things, even the donkey who carried Mary. What a beautiful example of teaching them to look for God's provision and glory in seemingly humble things!

If you do not win, you can purchase the book here: http://amzn.to/dyxugS
You can see a preview of the book here: http://tinyurl.com/xmasprayerpreview

The second giveaway is an absolutely stunning reminder of what we should be giving to Jesus during this Christmas season and how we as families can work towards Taking Back Christmas.

Eldon Johnson's The King’s Christmas List

Eldon Johnson is a Dad and an author who was fed up with the “gimme gimme” attitude of Christmas he saw around him. He seeks to create ways for families to take back Christmas and learn to give to others together at this important time of year, like Christ did for us. The King’s Christmas List tells the story of a little girl who learns how to give at Christmas time and http://thekingsadventure.com/ offers a tangible experience for families to go online and choose to give together. Charities like Blood:Water and WorldVision have partnered with Eldon to help begin a new Christmas tradition.

As a parent, I loved the message in this story, as we read how a child learns to give those things that are "treasured" to others in need. My children loved all the examples of giving in the book, and were fascinated with the website and the many opportunities found for them to give time, money, or needed items away to help those in need. This book has spurred a desire in my children to serve in a way they didn't realize they could before.

If you do not win, you can buy the book here: http://amzn.to/bnvdDV
You can preview the book here: http://tinyurl.com/PreviewKings

How to Win!

For your first required entry, leave a comment below with the following:

Which book you would like to win and why
Your email address

Earn extra entries!

Follow Tommy Nelson on Twitter.
Show Tommy Nelson you "like" them on Facebook.
Follow Me on Twitter and tweet the following: @LindseyHartz giving away two sweet stories on prayer and giving from @TommyNelson. Enter here! http://bit.ly/fUmeub
Become A New Life follower on Blogger.
Follow Me on Facebook

**NOTE: Please leave one comment for every entry. Deadline for all entries is 11:59pm. December 5, 2010.

Giveaway Rules:

1. Giveaway is open to US residents only unless otherwise stated.

2. You must answer the question in the giveaway accordingly.

3. Winner will be chosen via random.org and notified via email.

4. Winner will be asked to respond with full contact information within 48 hours of being notified. Failure to do so will result in another winner being picked.

Good Luck!

**Thank you to Tommy Nelson for providing the products for review and giveaway, and the info about the challenge! I only recommend products or services I can stand behind and believe will be good for my readers. I was not required to write a positive review, nor was I paid for this review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.**

Give Thanks In All Things

2010-11-22T06:42:00.009-06:00

We scroll through pictures, one by one. He’s sitting next to me, eyes wide and focused as we look, and read, and ponder. After a while, his sweet voice whispers

“Momma, how are we going to choose?”

I wince at the question, wondering the same…how do you chose one child over another? How do you look at faces and smiles and snippets of information and catalog them into some sort of measuring stick of who will fit in? How do you pick one hurting, lost, lonely, abandoned child over another and offer just them a home?

My soul hurts as the question pounds fast and furious and hard in my mind, as the injustice of it tears at my momma heart that wants to scoop them all up and show them love they’ve not had for so long.

I tell him that we will pray; that our precious Father will show us the one that belongs to us. I tell him we as a family are uniquely made to care for someone very specific, and that God will use all of our strengths, weaknesses, and dependence on Him to complete our family and give us a chance to bring His glorious healing to them as well.

We scroll again through the pages of children waiting. I tell him how most of them come from homes of neglect and abuse that is hard for others to fathom.

I think that I know their pain in ways that still hurt. That my husband knows the pain of walking through a healing process with a wife who was once one of these little ones. That my children know the pain of a momma who didn’t know how to love them for so long, until God showed her she was loved, wanted, and worthy.

I look down, and see his somber face, this boy of my own flesh and blood. He looks at the screen, looks at me, looks at the screen again. He stumbles over the words, voice catching

“I’m so thankful you are my Momma. Even when you make mistakes.”

I blink hard, suddenly very aware of

every

single

mistake

I’ve made and the harm my selfishness, pride, inattentiveness and anger has heaped upon my family.

I hug him tight, tell him I am thankful for HIM, this boy who has taught me so much about the ways of God. I tell him I thankful for a God who uses all for good and brings glory with every morning.

After he sleeps, I wonder at his words. I think of my own mother who made many mistakes that caused so much harm. I shudder at the pride found in my thinking her mistakes were worse than mine. I think of this verse...

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus”
-1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)

I pick up pen and paper; and tears fall as I scribble how I love her. I tell her I forgive her. I tell her that I’m thankful for the gifts she gave me and the trials we lived through together, for a God that protected us through it all, even when we refused to see Him. I tell her all these things have made me the person I am today, made me understand the blackness of death without God and the blinding beauty of life with God.

I end with a prayer that this will open the doors for healing in her own life, because I understand that she too was once a hurting child. One who never felt someone’s arms wrap around her, never heard the words that she was loved, still doesn’t believe she is worthy.

I pray that God uses me~ her once broken child~ and my story of fear and struggle and leaps of faith and joy. So that she too can be set free.

Is there someone in your life you can offer forgiveness to and express thankfulness to, even if the story is painful? Will you allow God to give you the courage to help set someone free?
This devotional can also be found at The MOB Society, a wonderful website full of resources, encouragement, and hope for mothers of boys.

A Heart of Flesh

2010-10-31T06:56:00.008-05:00

The words rushed over me with a slow, deep sting; and I felt judgment and misunderstanding and trembling and fear start to overtake me.

The person before me continued on; uttering unkind words meant to hurt, meant to cause havoc; casually flinging them at me like fiery darts full of poison. I swayed under the onslaught, longing oh so suddenly for that old heart of mine to come rushing to my rescue.

I reveled briefly in the remembrance of my old comforting friend; the dappled pebbles of indifference and smooth sleek skipping rocks of avoidance and huge weighty boulders of perceived control building an impenetrable fortress high and tall and impossible to break through around my bruising heart~ that heart of stone I had carried around most of my life like a ball and chain, dragging darkness and hopelessness and condemnation around with me as I stumbled through days where Jesus was no where to be found.

But oh the grace~ oh the sweet mercy~ the beauty of His love and salvation…

I blink and take a step back, letting THAT remembrance and THESE words overtake me; a salve to my weary soul…

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

~Ezekial 36:26, NIV

I think as the rant continues that the new spirit I’ve been given is a gift to be shared. The steady beat of a heart of flesh; filled to the brim with His glorious love and acceptance and worthiness and joy~ filled to the brim with a new life meant to be proclaimed.

And when my heart is being attacked, when it is constricted with the pain and sorrows and unfairness of this world, I now have the choice to rush back to my old defenses, or to allow His defenses to stand firm.

When pressed to my limits, when my heart is being squeezed so tight I can barely see a way out; that’s when I can allow His love to overflow out of the new spirit He’s given me. That’s when I can shed grace on those that are unseeing.

Maybe that love will show them that they also can be covered; that their heart of stone can be a heart of flesh.

So I start to listen, start to ask questions, start to try to better understand why the other person is hurting so deep and so far that they feel poison words are the only answer.

We sit and share, and the first small seeds of faith are planted in a fellow sufferer’s heart as I share Jesus and pray they continue to run straight into His arms.

I’ve never been more grateful for a heart of flesh as the Gospel comes alive right before my eyes.

Is there a situation in your life that makes you want to run to old defenses? How can you allow the grace and love of Jesus to overcome?

This devotional can also be found at Seeds of Faith Women- a wonderful blog connecting Christian women.

Sacred Ground

2010-10-24T22:19:00.006-05:00

My hand is splayed on the window of the plane; fingers aching to touch the sunrise in its entire splendor beyond. Streaks of color chase a dawning blue; tinge the white tops of clouds with a crimson red.

My heart aches for what I’ve left behind~ crimson red covered and healed and molded beautiful sister souls, all with hands held high and stories brought to life in worship to the Father who loves, the Father who sees, the Father who purposes.

We came together with expectancy; women from all walks of life. Nervous laughs and bright smiles eased into precious community with arms wrapped tight around each other. It’s been so easy to see God, to feel Him there in the soul-words and tears and laughter carving a sense of sacredness into an ordinary room.

So much joy and peace and release happened as our bonds tightened; as we were filled to the brim and beyond with deep assurance of our value in Him and our conviction in our mission to serve Him with all.

Later that day, I watch the sunset; same crimson red covering the bright blue sky. Only this time I am looking up, neck craning to catch a glimpse between rows of houses and streetlights. I smile at the display and walk back into my home; where the business of life has carried on as I’ve been gone.

I talk with my husband as we make dinner, do laundry, play games with the children, draw baths. All along thinking of the sacred ground made in a room full of women so far away.

I hum worship songs, remember the hands held high; capturing the moments in my mind as I go about the work in my home.

As I brush my daughter’s hair, wrestle my son into pajamas, and tuck both tight with whispered prayers I think what I’ve learned most from those women is that I have sacred ground here too.

It’s in the deep reaches of my heart, where my Father’s love beats wildly, firmly, deeply into all the cracks that have healed.

It’s in the glistening eyes of my children and husband, as we talk about glory and mission and our hope to share Jesus to those so in need.

It’s in the rise and fall of the steady Word, cupped in my hands as I seek, and am filled, and am made whole.

It’s in the shaky baby step of courage to let go of comfort, to seek out others, to share Jesus in faith and in action.

It’s in the whispered “Your will be done Lord”; the life-changing words reaching a roar that cannot be ignored.

And it’s in YOU, this sacred ground, waiting for you to tread on it with obedience and with reverence.

Christ has no body on earth but yours,

no hands but yours,

no feet but yours.

Yours are the eyes through which

Christ’s compassion for the world is to look out;

yours are the feet with which He is to go about doing good;

and yours are the hands with which He is to bless us now.

~Saint Theresa of Avila

The Harvest

2010-10-23T23:08:00.003-05:00

Do you obey God even when it's scary to do so? My new post at The MOB Society is here!

This Too Shall Pass (the last five years)

2010-10-05T15:17:00.009-05:00

It's my birthday ~ I turned 35 today.

It's been bittersweet, as this is the first year I have actually looked forward to my birthday or the month of October with anything but dread in a very long time. I used to make a big deal out of birthdays, especially the ones you might consider milestones...my last big hurrah was when I turned 30.

I remember being so excited about the transition from the 20's to the 30's, wondering what was in store for the coming year. We had a huge party at my house with tons of friends and family, and I was so hopeful.

Hopeful that the coming year would be different for my marriage, a fresh start in my relationship with my husband and my children, a time of validation at work and with friends. Excited about the new things I would learn as I grew older, and wiser.

I had no idea that a few short weeks later, I would meet the man who I would eventually have an affair with the following October.

So instead, the following year was nothing I ever imagined it would be. I came so close to losing my my marriage, my children, and my family it still takes my breath away. I did lose my job, my friends, my self-respect, my integrity, my identity.

But one day, I also lost my heart. And I've learned that is the only thing that really matters from the last five years. Here's a beautifully messy pain-filled look at what the next years looked like:

Age 31:

I learned the depth of my depravity and sin~~that I could throw away everything important to me for a few moments of selfishness
I learned the depth of my fear~~that I was so afraid of being unloved and unwanted that I justified entering into a relationship with a man who did not belong to me
I learned the depth of my desire to please everyone~~so strong that I would change myself, my thoughts, my actions and cater them to the people around me so they would like me, approve of me. want me
I learned that I thought everything was about me
I learned that my husband's grace and love for me knew no bounds, as he promised to stay, and as he took responsibility for his own part in our marital issues.

Age 32:

I learned the darkness of depression, so deep that I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, often times could not get out of bed with the weight of what I had done suffocating me
I learned to be ashamed, alternating between avoiding everyone and spilling my guts so they would be disgusted with me and leave
I learned that I took my husband and children for granted; didn't love them they way they deserved to be loved
I learned how ill-equipped I felt to be a good mother, a good wife
I learned to wear a mask of Christianity~~thinking that maybe this would fix the mess I had made of my life
I learned to pray, even when I didn't want to, even when I was doing it to please others. Despite me, God was still moving.

Age 33:

I learned what it meant to have a true mentor of God in my life~~patient, and kind, and firm, and unafraid to call me out on all my crap
I learned that I played the victim in just about every situation~~always trying to make my actions the fault of someone else, something else, a situation that happened to me
I learned to read the Bible and meditate on the beauty of the Word
I learned to take responsibility for the harm I had caused
I learned the beauty and the freedom of true repentance, and true salvation. He picked me.

Age 34:

I learned how to talk to and truly love my husband and my children
I learned to let go of the pain and heartache of past abuse
I learned to forgive both past abusers and the man I was involved with
I learned to forgive myself
I learned to embrace the me full of wounds, and the me full of beauty and promise~~finally understanding that in my brokenness and redemption God's glory shines
I learned to let go and let God~ and got the privilege of watching my husband and children experience true salvation
I learned to reach out to others~~to fumble my way through the story-telling of grace in my life
I learned to be free~ from the bondage of my past and the expectations and opinions of this world
I learned to give my heart away~~to make Jesus my Master, not just my Savior.

Age 35:

To be written...but I do know that the years to come will be full of joy, laughter, freedom, and peace even when times are hard. I am so thankful for a loving Father full of mercy and love, who has given me life, given me passion for His word, and given me the heart to help others learn to rest in deep assurance that this too shall pass, whatever is causing them harm or pain or sorrow~~He will make all things new, make beauty from ashes.

I know, because He did it for me.

And He will do the same for you.

Pick Me

2010-09-23T06:17:00.004-05:00

I'm guest posting at Laced with Grace today. Here's a peek...

I sit at the keyboard, thoughts swirling in my mind. They are being stubborn, words that usually come so easy to me. Steadfastly refusing to drip their way onto the blank pages with any semblance of heart or soul. It’s been like this awhile; even halting the flow of praise, worship, and seeking normally found in my journals.

This is the last straw, the thing that sends me into a clinging to the Lord like never before, as I feel like the very air I breathe has become suffocating and life has lost its luster.

I so wanted to be used in ministry...

Read how God helps me overcome what seems like constant rejection here.

Learning to Fly

2010-09-20T07:34:00.002-05:00

How do you feel as a mom when your son no longer needs you?

Join me at The M.O.B. Society today to see my answer.

Great Expectations

2010-08-20T11:00:00.005-05:00

Join me at The M.O.B. Society today as I answer my son's heartbreaking question:

“Momma, are you and daddy getting a divorce?"

Read my response to him here...

A New Song~ My Plans for Ministry

2010-08-18T14:45:00.007-05:00

I've spent the last six months in a class facilitated by Shannon Ethridge called BLAST~ Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers, & Teachers. This class and the spiritual depths of the material have been instrumental in my being able to put aside my "want"~ write and sell lots of books, and instead focus on and embrace where God has already ordained me to minister given my life experiences and spiritual gifting. As I move forward with plans, I ran across this song that sums up perfectly where my heart is right now:

I've been grazing in the lush green pastures,
Watching time pass me by,
And I've been wading in the shallow waters,
Where everything is all right-
But today I know that something's different,
Something's disturbing my peace,
Oh, I can feel the changes in the distance,
And hear them calling to me-

The day is here, the time has come
To sing a new song,
It's very clear, I must move on,
And sing a new song,
It will define who I become,
This new song,
So show me how to sing along
To this new song-

I've been looking in the strangest places,
To find the source of my strength,
And even though the outcome never changes,
Still I search endlessly,
But no more wandering around in circles,
It's time that I cross the sea,
Now I'm trading in my cozy corner
For the bigger mystery

Going there means leaving here,
Saying yes means saying no,
Moving on means letting go of what is sure,
For more

- by Ginny Owens, lyrics of "New Song"

My "new song" is moving forward in face to face ministry to women and children in local shelters (and one day nationally, God-willing) who have been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused. I'm working on plans with friends and some mentors to write children's stories and basic curriculum teaching God's promises as it relates to specific heart issues that arise from abuse. My hope is to plant seeds of hope and faith in their lives, as well as to give them some long-term outlets to express their emotions and feelings regarding the abuse via writing, music, and art workshops.

If anyone wants to help that isn't already, let me know :-). Looking for anyone who has experienced abuse in their lives, and/or has knowledge of or wants to help with manuscript editing, children's book illustrating, leading storytime and/or arts workshops, setting up non-profits, etc.

What new song do you feel God calling you to start singing today?

In Dreams

2010-07-28T08:02:00.002-05:00

This nightmare has left me shaking, left me grasping for truth in the midst of all the lies that have piled up in my head and come pouring out in a dream state.

I was walking at a party where no one would talk to me, everyone having fun and laughing, feeling loneliness mount with each step.

As I stumble down the hallway trying to find my husband to comfort me, I overhear another couple saying that he has left me and doesn’t love me anymore.

I run to the room he was last in, and I see my children, smiling and wrestling on the couch. As I walk towards them I blink, and they are suddenly gone, and the window behind them is open with curtains blowing. They’ve been taken, and I know I will never see them again.

I run to another hallway and see people crying over what appears to be bodies on the ground. They are family members all having died from some horrible disease.

As I fall down on my knees I am overwhelmed by the loss, tears start falling and despair sets in.

I wake up suddenly groggy and cold, panic ripping through my chest with each shallow breath. I sit up, and immediately reach left, thankful when my hand touches my husband’s arm. A small sigh of relief as I lay my head down, try to breathe, try to think rationally, start to pray.

You see, this is one of my deepest struggles. This constant state of fearing that I will always be alone and misunderstood, that I will always lose the ones I love, and that I won’t be able to impact anyone for the kingdom.

For some people, this kind of fear of loss is based on nothing but their imagination, fueled by books and movies and media.

For me, this kind of fear of loss is based on experiences I have had all my life.

Feeling constantly rejected from friends and family.

Feeling invisible, unloved, unneeded, uncared for.

Feeling disposable and easily replaceable by someone better, less damaged.

Feeling incapable of protecting my children from the bogeyman I KNOW is there, first hand.

Feeling unable to reach family members rotting from the inside out in sin and selfishness.

I would love to end this by telling you God moved this morning. Brought me a word or a verse or a friend at just the right moment.

But He didn’t, and I am left with the knowledge that more often than not, it is up to ME to fight my lies with the love and tools He has already given me. That’s part of spiritual growth and increased dependence on God.

Being able to seek Him, wholeheartedly and with perseverance, when I don’t hear a thing to comfort me in the midst of my fear.

Being able to be constantly aware that while my life has been made new, my scars will always be there. They are a part of who I am.

And even though I don’t know when my fear will fade or when I will be released from these memories of childhood terror coloring my life now, I do know that God is here, and He is real, and He keeps His promises.

He is who I cling to, because this life and the people in it are not mine to begin with.

He will drive out my fear with His perfect love. He will guide me in walking in the land of the living with joy and peace instead of hopelessness.

And that, I can rest in.

Where Joy Lives

2010-07-26T06:39:00.007-05:00

I'm writing at The M.O.B. Society today! Here's a sneak peek...

It’s hot and muggy; throngs of people crowding the walkways and shuffling from one ride to another. Everyone’s jostling for position in tree-shaded lines offering small bits of respite from the glaring sun and endless walking. Excitement and laughter floats in the air and smiles abound as parents hold the sweet hands of their children sticky with cotton candy and ice cream.

I glance around, envious. I keep telling myself to enjoy the day, enjoy the vacation, enjoy my son. But this momma heart is weary and tired and filled to the brim with “Why do things have to be this way?”

Today, I am the love-torn momma who can’t reach her child.

Read the rest here, and consider joining this amazing website for mothers of boys. I learn so much and am always blessed from the ladies there!

Blessings,

Lindsey

Under Construction

2010-07-13T15:02:00.007-05:00

Have you ever had a moment where you realized that EVERYTHING needed to change? Where God spoke so clearly and so loudly through the Word and sermons and other people that you couldn't help but be convicted not just in noticing His prompt, but in actually taking action?

I sat in another state several weeks ago on vacation, listening to a sermon called "Be Rich" at Crosspoint Church in Bellevue, TN. This sermon combined with some amazing conversations with Justin and Trisha Davis at Refine Us marriage ministries have opened our eyes to possibilities that are leaving my husband and I in awe at the beauty and majesty of God, and just how fast He will move when we are being obedient to His will, not ours.

I also find it funny that God had to take me 800 miles away from my home and the distractions of busyness and life and church and ministry to get me to really HEAR him, but that's a story for another time.

Before this, my heart, my life, and my marriage had already been under construction the last few months. The foundation for change was already being laid, and the path we are to walk on was being defined and straightened.

Shattering of old dreams and habits, letting go of our slippery hold on control, preparing for new dreams and a true "new life" together.

My husband and I are at the river Jordan right now, taking that first step in faith, praising God for the path He has already laid out for us and will reveal in His perfect timing.

We are thrilled, and excited, and so humbled to be here.

I'll fill you in as I can, and ask for your prayers during this transition time in our life.

In the meantime, look for changes to the look and feel of my site~~please bear with me as the transition occurs from blogger to wordpress.

And as always, let me know how I can pray for you~

Blessings,

Lindsey

The God of Second Chances and Giveaway!

2010-06-06T06:00:00.005-05:00

I'm excited and humbled to share that I am now a contributing author on a new website called The M.O.B. Society. The goal of this website is to help equip mothers to reach the hearts of their boys with the Gospel & prepare them to grow up as a generation of men who will love the Lord.

My first post is up today, along with a great giveaway from author Mary DeMuth. Please head over and share in the comments there to be entered to win!

******************************************

I’m going to let you in on a little secret…

I was not a good mother. Not for a very long time.

Thankfully, we serve a God of second chances.

My second chance started on a rainy, gloomy day. My son was sitting in time-out for the fourteenth time, and it was only 9:30am. I was inadequately coping with my frustration by hiding in my closet in the dark.

It was day 61 of my being a “stay-at-home” mom. I sat there in defeat as hopeless tears fell fast and hard, regret and remembrance washing over me in waves.

Read more, here!

This Love

2010-05-24T07:27:00.000-05:00

**Reposting this in honor of our 12 year wedding anniversary--so overjoyed to still be married this this amazing man!!**

Warm whispers wrap around me, your breath on my face, your hand in my hair and on my back, making lazy, sweet caresses. As yet another day winds down, our gentle voices murmur as we talk about everything, about anything. You are unaware, but tears slide down my face…soaking my pillow with the raindrop memories of grief, regret, hope, thankfulness.

I remember a young man, hesitant to approach me. But taking a step, one be one, until you reached your {our} destiny.

I remember a young man, taking care of me. Stepping into the role of protector when I had no one and nothing. Providing me food, transportation, companionship, caring, love. Keeping me safe.

I remember a young man slamming on the brakes, our car spinning and sliding to a stop on the side of a busy, wet road, as we argued about everything, and anything. My endless rage at life and your endless frustration at not knowing how to banish my demons pouring from us.

I remember a young man holding my hand, standing in front of a preacher, promising our lives to each other. In my heart, a tentative hope drowned under the weight of my “What If’s?”

What if he is faking it?
What if he turns into a monster?
What if he wakes up one day and decides I am not good enough, and abandons me?
What if that is all I deserve?

I remember a young man, suffocating under the weight of a young woman who could not outwardly feel, outwardly love. Who could not accept that she was good enough for his love, that he meant it when he said “I love you, as you are.”

I remember a young man giving up, but not leaving. An honorable man crushed under the weight of his wife’s pain; but refusing to abandon her and his children. Resigning himself to a life of obligation. Slowly, and steadily a slow fade towards allowing his focus to drift to other things, seeking acceptance and respect outside of his marriage, as the years passed.

I remember more fights, more pain, more anger. Words we can never take back, that still leave me with a sick feeling in my heart, my soul. I remember foolishly {and selfishly} losing my way, tossing aside my last sliver of hope that we would find each other one day again, to desperately fill that hole in my heart.

I remember a man crushed, holding my phone in his hand with such sickening proof, as I walked to my front door. Asking me, “Are you having an affair?” My shattering reply, “Yes.”

I remember a man taking responsibility, walking down the stairs the next morning, still ravaged, but purposeful. Words pouring out, the most important of all. “I love you, I always have, and will never leave you, will never abandon you. And I am so sorry I did not protect you from this.”

Oh my love.

My protector.

My champion.

My heart.

It is in these moments, the darkest struggles and the everyday monotony, that love matters most. A conscious decision to remember our old covenant, made when we didn’t understand God, but that was certainly God-given. A conscious decision to remember our broken covenant, and the life {heart} lessons learned from it. A conscious decision to uphold our new covenant, made in the midst of a blossoming, hesitant love affair between two souls already ripped apart by disappointment and shattered dreams. A conscious decision to remember our promised covenant, our hope eternal from God. What we live and breathe for everyday…glorifying God through our life, our marriage, our pain, our love, so that others may know Him and love Him.

I remember a love restored, a love strengthened, a love deepened. All through the glory of God, and echoing through the words of this morning’s song...

The more I seek you, the more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you
I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand,
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep, it’s more then I can stand
I melt in your peace, it’s overwhelming

A song meant to praise God, but that ALWAYS reminds me of you. Which is as it should be, the promise and strength of God wrapping itself around the bonds that hold you and I together.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
-Ecclesiastes 4:12

I love you.

Follow ME

2010-05-11T06:01:00.007-05:00

I fall to my knees, tears streaming down my face, a question flung up to the heavens, full of pain…

How can I be in the exact same marriage I was in before, even after all that has happened?

I try to get more words out, try to speak out loud my frustration, try to beseech my Father to tell me why…

I’ve done everything you asked, done all the hard work of counseling and recovery, learned to serve you, learned to serve others, fought and fought and fought for my marriage in every way I know how.

I lay down exhausted, curl into a ball on the floor and whisper the most anguished thought of all…

I can’t do this, not again.

*****************************************

Read the outcome here at Life's Not Always Fireflies and Hummingbirds as I answer the question

"What do you do when your marriage starts falling apart AGAIN after years of restoration in Christ?"

As you read, I pray that you will be reminded of our Father's ever-present love and mercy in the midst of your own painful battles. And I will tell you that God has already moved mountains for one person who has read this post~ will you let His words, through my experiences, move yours?

In Him,
Lindsey

The In-Between

2010-04-27T16:58:00.003-05:00

"I'll be the poet who sings your glory—and live what I sing every day. "
-Psalm 61:8 The Message

My heart is beating a furious song
The melody straining to break free
The words pushing to be released

Another rebirth waiting to happen
On the other side of all that pain
I’ve found glory
And desire

A light so bright it can’t be dimmed
A hope so strong it can’t be dampened
A faith so deep it can’t be uprooted

I’m left in the in-between
The need for action soaring in my soul

What now, sweet Lord?

How do I love more?
How do I serve more?
How do I reach more?

Tell me, precious Abba…

How can I shed my comfort?
Shed my fear
Shed my apathy

In order to live out loud
To step out of the in between
And in to Your path

I’m ready, and I’m waiting
With a broken-rebuilt-redeemed heart
And a prayer filled plea.

Show me my Father…

Your will be done.

Relevant 2010

2010-04-15T22:34:00.003-05:00

So, I am not a conference kind of girl.

The very notion of walking into a hotel full of women I DON'T KNOW and trying to interact with them makes me want to go hide under my bed, or in my closet, or really just anywhere. I may or may not take my favorite blankie with me and rock back and forth....

But here's the thing. We serve a glorious God, whose sole purpose in our lives is to break us out of our comfort zones, rip down our walls, and love on us until we BELIEVE that we can and will live out loud for Him and shine His glory.

To me, this is part of what my signing up for a conference half way across the country is all about. I want to meet women who have the same passion for God and the same desire to seek how to share Him in ALL we do, while still honoring our roles as wives and mothers.

I want to seek ways to be more intentional with my faith, my relationships and my pursuit of Christ.

I want to learn more about how to grow a ministry and maybe even write some books on how to help women overcome sexual sin.

I want to soak in great teaching and wisdom from the amazing speakers.

And I think Relevant 2010 is the perfect place to do that, based on all I have seen and read here.

I can't wait to meet all of you attending and see how God moves! And if you are not attending, why not sign up now here?

Blessings~
Lindsey

Confession

2010-03-29T08:30:00.012-05:00

I told you I would be honest here this year, more honest then I have ever been, I told you that this year was about my being intentional in my relationship with God and others.

So here it is, my first confession.

I don’t read the Bible.

At least, not the way I should. For a while now, opening those crisp, sweet pages has only been a means to an end…a way to add some small substance to my day and my writing, a way to allow a tiny glimpse of glory as I half-finished bible study after bible study…a way to add a trickle of truth to the words I pour out in person and here on these pages.

It’s not born of laziness; but rather out of a desire for perceived control. A fortress wrapping itself around my heart; trying to stem the flow of conviction to make it more manageable, less scary, less overwhelming.

I fought for years to deny my need for Christ, fought so hard to pretend I didn’t need the grace and mercy and love I kept hearing about, but couldn’t fathom. Until one day, I finally stopped throwing my temper tantrums, railing at the injustice of my life, and stopped pretending that I could change myself or heal without God.

Because I knew that day, as I woke up in tears huddled under my covers being crushed by my unbelief that I was still drowning, that I needed to

just

breathe

that everything that I believed about myself, every thought and word and hope and dream, was literally being ripped away in the wake of my own sinful heart and actions and that I needed

to

be

reborn

it needed to happen, the way a baby needs to be born, screaming and pushing and straining into life, gasping for air and opening blinded eyes to the glorious hues and the sweet sounds of a world unknown, uncharted, and unexplainably filled with awe.

But somewhere along the way, I let that initial feeling of awe after my salvation turn into a running to-do list in my head of ways to be a good Christian, trying to prove myself after a devastating and public fall from grace.

Go to counseling, go through recovery, seek a mentor, find an accountability partner, learn to pray, serve at church, teach my kids about God, say all the right words, act all the right ways, share my testimony, renew my vows, work at my church, teach others about God, find my ministry, write about faith.

And the more I “accomplished” from this list, the more I felt restless and unfocused. The more I felt deep down inside, that I was still faking it...

A resounding, “All this is nothing, because you don’t BELIEVE “ pounding in my heart.

A heart-crushing “You don’t believe because you don’t SEEK” shrieking in my soul.

"Religion operates on the principle of “I obey—therefore I am accepted by God.” The basic operating principle of the gospel is “I am accepted by God through the work of Jesus Christ—therefore I obey.” As we have seen, believing the gospel is how a person first makes a connection to God. It gives us a new relationship with God and a new identity. We must not think, however, that once believing it, the Christian is now finished with the gospel message. A fundamental insight of Martin Luther’s was that “religion” is the default mode of the human heart. Your computer operates automatically in the default mode unless you deliberately tell it to do something else. So Luther says that even after you are converted by the gospel your heart will go back to operating on other principles unless you deliberately, repeatedly set it to gospel-mode.

We habitually and instinctively look to other things besides God and his grace as our justification, hope, significance, and security. We believe the gospel at one level, but at deeper levels we do not. Human approval, professional success, power and influence, family and clan identity—all of these things serve as our heart’s “functional trust” rather than what Christ has done, and as a result we continue to be driven to a great degree by fear, anger, and a lack of self-control.

You cannot change such things through mere willpower, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel as it were, digesting it and making it part of ourselves. This is how we grow."
- From Timothy Keller’s “The Prodigal God”

The believing part is what I have been walking through for the last several months, as I despaired of my battle, chose to fight instead of flee, and let God set me free.

The seeking is what I am doing now because I love my Father, finally believes He loves me.

And I don’t want the gift of salvation I was given to waste away under the rot of my silly fear and lack of courage to dig deep into the only words that matter.

Have you found yourself in this place?

If so, will you join me,

here?

One Day-- A tribute to Barry Keldie

2010-03-06T06:50:00.003-06:00

I sit in the car shaking, staring blindly out the window…shame and anger and pain crashing through me. Getting out of the car and walking into that office means that I have to stop pretending, have to take off the mask and let someone in to the hell I have been living in.

My husband walks around the car, opens the door, and holds out his hand. I take it, trembling in awe that he is still here willing to take this journey with me, fear of what is to come making my breath shallow, my heart twist. I want to get back in the car, race home, hide. Anything to escape the harsh reality my world has become, now that everything has crashed down around me.

We walk into the office and sit down. I look at the floor, twisting my wedding rings around and around, scraping my ring finger with a harsh red line—branding myself over and over with the symbol of the holy covenant I threw away by jumping headlong into adultery.

The man behind the desk, the one who I have seen speaking from the stage, but have never really HEARD looks at me and says, somberly and full of compassion, “Hi sweetie, how are YOU?” I look up, stunned.

Just a few short days before, my first real glimpse of God occurred when my husband tells me “I love you, I will never leave you, and I am sorry I didn’t protect you from this.”
The second here, with this man, my pastor, looking at me with such compassion etched on his face and grace flooding the room, after what I’ve done.

Over the next few years this same man teaches my husband and I about God in a way that lives and breathes; a way that make us feel and see and hear God echoing through the devastation of our past and laying out the beauty of our future in Him. This man and this church carry us in our desperate need, wait for us as we learn to trust, encourage us as we learn to love each other again, and rejoice with us when we learn to be free.

Countless conversations teach us about grace, forgiveness, and mercy. That it is okay to be imperfect and flawed. That no matter what life throws at us we just have to keep seeking and sharing this glorious God that is jealous for us, for our affections, for our lives. Telling us over and over that this too shall pass, that one day we will be able to use this brokenness for His glory, that one day we will be whole.

That “one day” comes as our pastor stands on that stage again, murmuring wedding vows, and I am awestruck at the presence of God in this room. I glance at him and he offers a rare smile, and I think for an instant that God is settling around him, showing His approval in the words and the heart and the face of this man as he renews the vows between my husband and I.

And now I sit at my desk, pouring out the strange mix of grief and joy in the only way I know how, with words tumbling from my heart and tears streaming down my face. Our pastor has passed away, and this world will never be the same.

Barry Keldie was a glorious man of God; full of wisdom and a fiery passion for the Word that constantly amazed me. He exuded a fierce, often difficult to understand, love for the hurting people around him; a desire to shepherd those most broken and lost. My husband and I owe our life, our marriage, to this man who so patiently and passionately walked us through restoration.

Please take a moment, wherever you are, to join in prayers for peace and protection over Barry’s precious family who has lost their son, their brother, their daddy, their husband; and pray over his church family and friends who have lost a mentor and teacher.

And then take a moment to rejoice at the grand entrance Barry surely made in to heaven, crying

Holy

Holy

Holy

falling to his knees in front of the God he served and loved and shared so well in this life, so that many of us could join him in front of our Father when our one day comes.

We love you so, Barry, and can’t wait to see you again.

What I'll be doing for the next year...

2010-02-28T07:56:00.005-06:00

Recently I had to write a bio as part of an extensive application to a mentoring program called BLAST: Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers, & Teachers. The program is facilitated by Shannon Ethridge, a well-known author of books such as the Every Woman's Battle series and the Completely His series, and an advocate for healthy sexuality and spirituality for women. The bio was intended to be a snapshot "about me" that could give those in the screening process a glimpse into who I am and what I am passionate about.

Many of you may not know that one of my deep passions is to work with women who have been victimized by others sexually or actively engaged in sexual sin of their own accord. Given various aspects of my own story and that of many women I know and have had the pleasure of mentoring, there is such a great need for these women to have a safe place to share their guilt & shame, and more importantly a safe place to be taught how to receive and believe in glorious redemption and grace through the love of Christ.

I learned over the weekend that I have been accepted into this year-long mentoring program. This moment is another turning point, a cornerstone in my journey, that will undoubtedly set my course and help me learn where God wants me to go with all this. I am beyond excited, because in a lot of ways I have struggled with what to "do" with this story that is really His story.

As I have stepped back in obedience from writing publicly the last few months, God has been so gracious to fill me with peace over so many heartaches and so much pain, and most importantly has healed me from my unhealthy need of validation from you, my readers, and those around me who have lived the last few years right beside me.

I can truly say I am grateful to each and every one of you who has emailed me, commented, and even talked to me for hours; offering your amazing insight and wisdom along the way. In a lot of ways I feel like this blog was one of God's ways to reach me, through YOU. Not the other way around.

So I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart; and I can't wait to see what God has planned.

Having said that, I have been convicted so of the need to be intentional in all I do...

Intentionally seek God in every second of every day in every thought, decision, hope, and fear

Intentionally pour myself into my husband in order to uphold his position over our home, show him the respect he deserves, and seek wholeheartedly to bring him joy and peace

Intentionally pour myself into my children to continue to teach them about God, to guide them in how to live and love and hope and dream, and most importantly rejoice in their ability to have a beautiful childhood because of the redemption in my husband and I

Intentionally pour myself into my friends, my neighbors, and strangers around me. Everyone is hurting in some way, needs to the love of Christ in some way.

Over the next year, I'll be talking about what it means to be intentional in all these areas here. I invite you to join me, and beg of you to offer your own insight from your own experiences~~you all are amazing and teach me so much.

Here's the bio below for those of you that asked!
Love & prayers to each of you~
Lindsey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bio- Lindsey Hartz

Writing a bio about myself seems so strange; I am a simple girl, living life, trying my best to find my way.

I sit and wonder what to share, how to narrow my life down to a page, how to give you a glimpse.

Do I tell you about my childhood, full of neglect, abuse, and pain?

Do I tell you about my teenage years, full of hidden anger, secret rebellion, and self-destruction?

Do I tell you about the early years of my marriage, full of numbness, misunderstanding, and rigid control?

Do I tell you about my children? How much I loved them but couldn’t show it, how I neglected them and abused them because that was all I knew?

Do I tell you about my biggest mistake? The headlong dive into depravity that, in an instant, destroyed everything I believed about myself and God?

Or do I skip all that and get straight to the point—that everything I believed about myself and God NEEDED to be destroyed, needed to be redeemed and reborn, and that my life has not been the same since?

I am a child of God, a beautiful creation, a loved daughter.

If you stick around long enough and read what I have to say, you’ll see God weaving in and out of all the nooks and crannies of my bruised and battered heart.

And maybe, prayerfully, you can start to see Him weaving in and out of yours too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Different Kind of Free

2010-01-06T08:42:00.006-06:00

I sit on the couch, legs curled beneath, holding on to my bible with shaking hands. Waiting for the therapy session to start, pregnant groanings of my soul creaking; rattling to be heard.

Breathing in to steady myself, breathing out to prepare for the coming battle. Another turning inside out and upside down and steadying of my hurt, my longings, my faith.

A sound startles me, I turn to the window. The winter storm has come suddenly and I am mesmerized by the rain dripping silent, plea-filled tracks across the window pane, streaking across and around each other into a glittering display of vibrant crystals; by the crazily furious wind making the trees dance and sway; their branches reaching up to the heavens in supplication, their trunks sunk deep into the ground with resolve.

I look down and see leaves chasing each other in endless pursuit across the lawn. A little whirlwind of chaos that appears to be self-contained and singular pursuing some unknown destination, but are really only at the mercy of a greater power they can not control, nor define, nor escape all along. They stop suddenly, fall to the ground underneath with a sigh, the trees grow still.

The scene reminds me of me, as I walk this road of healing.

The rain eases and fades and blinding sunlight bursts through the clouds, making my eyes squint at the glorious light, and I turn my face away with a sense of awe wrapping itself around, through me.

I see the rainbow then...it is beautiful; big bold colors stretching across the sky. Tears start falling, a common occurrence here, as I behold the promise.

Years ago, I crawled to His feet suffocating under the weight of shame, regret, fear. I laid myself before Him, daring to hope that I could be saved. That what He promised was true.

He freed me from my blindness then; knocked me off my pedestal of pride and self-centeredness and entitlement. He showed me the depths of my depravity, taught me the depths of His grace. Took me down a path filled with struggle and heartbreak and demons I didn’t want to face. A refining fire so scorching that I could not help but walk away different, could not help but crave to be more and more a reflection of Him.

As the rainbow watched over me, my hands stopped shaking and my heart calmed…a steady beat of peace pounding and running through my veins. I knew then it would be different, that He was coming for me this day, and that this time, I would finally allow Him in.

A letting go, an accepting, a rejoicing, a welcoming home at last.

I was made whole this day; an unfettering of the chains that had bound me to this whisper ghost life and all it had taken from me…in its place a joyous clinging to the eternal life that I was made for.

A different kind of free.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
-1 Corinthians 15:54

**********************************************************************************

Sweet friends, I will be taking a blog break until February as I spend some time praying and seeking God's will for my writing and my path going forward in ministry.

As always, I will be praying for you, and love & cherish each of you.

Blessings,
Lindsey

Merry Christmas and Thank You!

2009-12-27T21:40:00.001-06:00

To all my wonderful and precious blog and facebook friends:

I love each of you dearly and pray that each of you has had a wonderful Christmas full of joy and love!

Thank you for your encouragement and wisdom both on facebook and in the blog world- I am truly blessed to have each of you in my life and have loved the spiritual growth, friendships, tears, laughter, and caring that has been a result of knowing each of you.

I can't wait to see how God moves this next year in all our lives, and am truly humbled and privileged to share this journey with each of you!

Blessings,
Lindsey

How Can I Pray for You?

2009-12-16T09:16:00.002-06:00

How can I pray for you today? Feel free to post here or send me an email at lindseyhartz@yahoo.com, and listen to the song below. Love you!

And while you are here, would you take a moment to pray for the others who have posted before you?

In Him,
Lindsey

Fight or Flight

2009-12-10T07:05:00.004-06:00

I’m sitting on a couch, watching a priest and the adults in my life huddled in the corner. They are speaking in harsh, hushed tones, faces full of chaos. Hope is dripping through me, one slow heartbeat, one unsteady breath, at a time. I’ve finally found the bravery to say something, to show what’s been heartbreakingly done, how I’ve been shattered over and over for years.

My breath catches, a swelling in my soul, my eyes look up to them and the heavens beyond with desperate love and trembling trust.

It’s over.

It’s OVER.

Shouting in my mind.

They turn around, the priest leaves, the adults tower before me, united.

I am told to never speak of this again. And I am left there.

In that moment I learn that it is possible to shatter even more, the pieces of my broken heart and fleeting dreams ground into dust along with the innocence lost long ago by the ones {and the One} I love most.

The only path left for me to choose is one of submission to that shame I can not stop. In fact, I embrace it as only a child forced to survive must, doing what is demanded of me. Each moment, each touch, confirming that I am forsaken.

Deep inside me, mistrust and numbness set in. I am dead to the world; the world is dead to me. And God? He is a pipedream, a fantasy in my head. He’s left me there too.

This lie is what I am fighting, right now, so many years later.

I know I can’t live like this anymore….balancing on a ledge with my face bathed in radiance, hands reaching, the true glory of God calling my name. With claws gripping my back, dragging me closer and closer to the edge, trying to yank me back to the depths of my own personal hell. This push-pull inside me of continuing to fight God’s love versus letting go and taking flight into the mercy of His arms.

I’ve been reminded that I can’t grow weary in my battle, can’t give up on what seems impossible, can’t succumb to the despair that envelops me as I walk through the past again and again. I must continue to press on in this literal fight for the life I am meant to have, in Him.

I’ve been reminded that God never promises to heal fear in us that is based on lies. He only promises to walk us through the journey of picking apart those lies, so we can see that the only way is Him. That the only way is Truth.

O sweet Lord, have mercy on me and my battered heart. I am begging you to hear my desperate cry, to help me forgive what has caused me so much pain, to let go of who Satan wants me to think I am destined to be. I want to believe in your promises; I want to believe in your love; I want to learn to trust again; I want to find joy. Help me learn how.

The Battle

2009-12-01T22:42:00.001-06:00

I’m supposed to be writing, journaling my thoughts, a timer counting down slowly on the desk nearby. Stream of consciousness, anything goes, the instructions say not to plan, not to think, just feel, just write

from

my

heart

I smirk at the thought, wonder who would want to read this, the things I really feel in the dead of night with rain pounding the window, with tears on my face, with pain twisting my soul.

I don’t want to take this journey. Don’t want to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, don’t want to pick my way through the battlefield filled with despair and loneliness and shame, don’t want to drag my weary and trampled heart through the mud and muck again.

It is so much easier to stand still and small and look up with a hopeful gaze and hands held high. To pray that God’s mercy will blaze from the heavens, set me free, in an instant.

It is easier to dream a better way, an easier path. Maybe I can take a flying leap, and make it to the other side without the heartache, without any more scars, without any more pain cutting me to the core.

I know better, of course. The easy way is false, and does not require much of me. Keeps me safe, and comfortable, and fake. Can’t move forward, can’t really live, with pure, true, precious joy from the One above if I choose my comfort over truth, if I choose standing still over sprinting straight into the fray.

The hard way requires sacrifice…the sacrifice of me, a willingness to dig in my heels and dig deep beneath the pretty face and gentle smile and nurturing heart everyone knows. To rip through layer after layer after layer until all is laid bare before the One bigger than me, bigger than all of us. Bigger than sin and pain and hurt and harm inflicted on us.

I have to trust.

I HAVE to trust.

Because if I don’t, I am lost all over again, and it will be all my fault.

The timer has gone off, my time is up. I am not finished, words rattling around my head. But I am resolute, ready to put on the armor of God, ready to shout words of Truth at anyone and anything that tries to sway me {especially myself} as I race into the battle.

O precious Father, thy will be done.

Oasis

2009-11-28T09:12:00.001-06:00

I walk and walk; heat rolling towards me in stifling waves. A sandstorm is raging, and I lower my head, close my eyes, against the sting of each grain of sand against my face, my hands, my soul.

The sand, the sharp tick of discomfort accompanied with each one, reminds me of

Regret
Mistakes
Pain
Heartache
Shame

A lonely howl, as the wind keeps on, those grains of stain performing a chaotic dance in the air. Wrapping themselves around me with fury, clouding my vision, dimming my hearing, wreaking havoc with my heart.

Up ahead, an oasis shimmers past the edges of the storm. I grit my teeth, firm my resolve, and press on until my feet sink into the sweet grass, the shimmering pool of water, the palm trees swaying in the wind. There is another tree, one much like the tree in the garden. Beautiful red apples glistening, beckoning. I sink down, thankful for the relief, thankful for the respite from the storm raging around my little island of peace.

I spend my days gazing at the apples, wondering. Gazing at the water, contemplating. Trying to understand my new found faith and my place in it. Until one day, I eat. And I drink.

I don’t see the snake, watching me with glittering eyes and devilish intention, waiting to lure me back.

I sit in that oasis for a long time, content to gorge myself with what seems to be right, and what seems to be deserved.

I am unaware that it is just a mirage. Another carefully constructed layer of protection in my mind created to dim the pain, giving me just enough momentum to say I believe, to feel I believe. Unaware that I don’t really believe.

It is not so hard to be here in this place. I can still see and taste that storm all around me, I can still feel its sting. But I diminish its presence, try to hold it at bay, try to convince myself out of pure will, with a mantra of words like “Jesus loves me” and “I am forgiven.”

One day I notice that sand has started to trickle in, dusting my trees and grass and water with a fine layer of coarseness and hardness. I can no longer see the beauty, no longer feel peace. I become disillusioned and disappointed, knowing I have traded the real oasis for a false one. I once again grit my teeth, firm my resolve and press on; hoping to find another. Hoping to find truth.

I take a deep breath, take a hold of Jesus’ hand, and step back into that storm. Then another. And as a look around, I start to realize that the storm is gone, has been gone for a long time. We raise our linked hands to the wind; feel the rush of sand grazing our fingertips as they blow by and around us, falling to the ground. I stoop down and pick up a handful with my free hand, as does He. And as the grains drift through our fingers and over our footsteps, I realize…

It’s just sand.

And the true oasis has been standing there all along, waiting patiently for the last surrender of my heart.

I walk forward now, leaving that desert behind. The sun touches my upturned face, the wind whistles along with my heart song.

Jesus loved me enough to first save me from my sin.

But He also loved me enough to then save me from myself.

This is what I am thankful for.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled”
-Matthew 5:6

Grace is for Sinners: Part 3 {Taking Responsibility}

2009-11-13T16:00:00.001-06:00

My husband is amazing...read his account of my affair and how God taught him to look at his own heart and sin through it here

Grace is for Sinners: Part 2 {Found}

2009-11-12T00:09:00.001-06:00

Those three simple words, “I don’t care,” harshly illustrating the depravity of my soul, my sin for all to see. And then, we are caught by my husband not long after it started; that lack of caring resulting in a selfish recklessness that did not bode well for hiding a secret such as this.

My husband is devastated; full of fury and hurt. Each and every minute spent in each other’s company is agonizing, painful, full of grief, and often anger.

Consequences for the affair come swiftly, and come hard...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm over at Grace is for Sinners today. Author Serena Woods is hosting a week full of honest accounts of bad decisions & God's grace on her website. Read the remainder of Part 2 of my guest post here.

Grace is for Sinners: Part 1 {Lost}

2009-11-10T09:28:00.007-06:00

"Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster; and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you." -Friedrich Nietzsche

I stand up from my desk to meet him. Before I turn around, I put on my fake smile, my friendly façade. Hand to hand we touch, a handshake, a formal introduction. Our eyes lock, and I am immediately unsettled…a violent reaction crashing through me, a hint of darkness and devastation.

I blink, unsure of what just happened...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm over at Grace is for Sinners today. Author Serena Woods is hosting a week full of honest accounts of bad decisions & God's grace on her website. Read the remainder of Part 1 of my guest post here.

Living for the First Time

2009-11-04T05:59:00.002-06:00

When I started writing a year ago, my intent was to be as honest, as open, and as transparent as I possibly could be. I wanted to be able to show the struggles I experience when it comes to my hesitant faith. I wanted to document my slow journey towards God so that I could look back as the years passed and remember what it was like to feel God break my heart, then put it back together again.

The last few months especially have been hard, as God has revealed to me with infinite love and mercy great devastation in my heart.

Three years ago, I walked into my pastor’s office with my husband, to talk about the affair that had just been found out. I walked in full of shame, full of anger, and full of fear at the consequences of being caught.

I also walked out full of shame, full of anger, and full of fear at the consequences of being caught.

The only difference was that I now knew with certainty that I could trade one “mask” for another. I could cover the “mask” of my indifference, my inability to feel, my inability to love, my desire to please everyone at the sake of basic morals…with the "'mask" of Christianity.

Something so painfully hard for me to admit, because at the very root of that action was a self-centeredness and a sense of self-preservation that has no place in a heart that is professing to want to belong to God.

But despite my less than honorable motivations at first, God has been at work anyway, in spite of “me”. Without realizing it then, I gave Him exactly what was needed…that first, small crack in my hardened heart.

Lately God has been breaking down the last of my defenses piece by piece, and pressing me in a million different ways, in a million different circumstances, to walk WITH Him instead of TOWARDS Him.

No one told me how hard it would be…this process of shattering, on purpose. This process of ripping apart every carefully constructed part of the “me” I presented to the world, to dig deep into the desperately lonely and sinful trenches of the “me” I have hidden for so long. The pain is so intense that I can barely stand it, can barely breathe. But in letting go of the “I” and seeking face down “Him”, the joy and peace in the letting go is equally intense.

For the first time in my life, I can FEEL. It hurts, more then I can ever possibly describe. But at the same time, it heals, more then I can ever possibly describe.

THIS is life in Him.

THIS is walking with Him, instead of towards Him.

THIS is God.

Because I Am

2009-11-02T07:02:00.010-06:00

A little girl throws herself at His feet, crying inconsolably, shaking with the hurt and injustice of it all, grieving for her lost innocence. He waits patiently for her plea…

Why

A young girl walks up, beaten and bruised, world weary, and empty of hope. She no longer feels, no longer cares, no longer sees a way out. He waits patiently for her to see…

Did

A young teen saunters up, attitude flashing, anger firmly in place, insulating her from the world that has already taken so much from her. He waits patiently for her demand…

You

A young woman joins them, indifferent and cold. No time and no desire to be here, thinking what a waste of time it is to seek from someone and something that failed her so many times. He waits patiently for her to soften…

Abandon

A broken woman crawls to Him, suffocating under the weight of shame, regret, fear. Daring to hope that she could be saved. He waits patiently for her heart…

Me

And He answers...

Because

I

Am

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
-Jeremiah 29: 11-14

I lay myself before Him, taking hold of all that I was, all that I am, all that I hope to be, in Him. Gathering all these versions of me close, knitting them together, an offering to the Father I adore. Knowing that He never abandoned me, not for one single moment of my life. And finally, He rejoices in my surrender.

How Can I Pray for You?

2009-10-29T08:43:00.005-05:00

How can I pray for you today? Feel free to post here or send me an email at lindseyhartz@yahoo.com, and listen to the song below. Love you!

In Him,
Lindsey

Fear {Perfect Love}

2009-10-26T23:28:00.012-05:00

I lay in bed, startled awake by the furious storm outside. As lighting crashes and rain pelts the window, I hear another sound…a gentle sobbing, a child trying to hold tears in. My daughter walks to my side, and places a sweet hand on my face. She is shaking, full of fear.

She crawls into bed with me, wraps herself into the safe cocoon of warm blankets and my love.

I am reminded of my own fear.

I was afraid of so many things.

footsteps
{in the hall outside my bedroom door…the slow creak of the devil walking in}

whispers
{in my ear don’t tell you are worthless you are dirty no one will believe you I will hurt you more if you do}

hands
{on me hurting, humiliating, punishing, breaking me into a million pieces and I don’t know WHY}

pleas
{my mother’s cries as each strike fell, each muffled scream a reminder that I was next}

mortality
{the letting go of hope, the click of the gun safety being released, is this how I will die}

I am afraid of so many things.

footsteps
{waiting at the half-closed door of my heart, the overwhelming peace of God pushing to flood in}

whispers
{in my ear I love you, You are worthy, You are beautiful, You are MINE}

hands
{on me molding me like clay, shaping my new identity in Him, healing my hurt, making me whole}

pleas
{my Father's cries, TRUST me, trust ME alone. I will fulfill my work in you, I will protect you, I will never let you down}

mortality
{the letting go of the "need" for this life here on Earth, dying to myself, dying for the Kingdom, dying for His glory...THIS is how I will die}

My daughter asks “Can you pray for me? So I won’t be afraid anymore?” And I do, holding my child close, murmuring words promising God’s love, peace, protection.

I am reminded through her simple request, born out of precious childlike faith, that fear has no place in my heart, in my mind, in my life.

Because of His perfect love.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
-1 John 4:18

Jesus Loves ME?

2009-10-21T08:37:00.008-05:00

When I was eight years old, my mother dropped me off at my grandmother’s house for an extended visit. She would do this periodically; leave me with family and friends for days, weeks, months. I never knew how long the visits would last, but they were adventures for sure.

During this particular visit, it was summertime, and I loved to spend hours outside. My grandmother lived in California, where the sky was always blue and the sun was always shining and flowers were always blooming. For a little girl used to living in the deserts of New Mexico, this new place was an explosion of color and sights.

One day, I walked inside my grandmother’s house and two cardboard boxes sat in the middle of the living room floor. She said they were for me; that the neighbor had seen me playing and thought that I might enjoy the contents. I excitedly walked over and tore the tape open, and peered inside.

Books. At least a hundred story and picture books, sat in the confines of these boxes. And a whole new world was opened up to me. I would take a book with me everywhere I went, reading page after page. I loved the make-believe world. I especially loved the happy endings.

One day, I reached into my stash of heaven, and picked up a picture book with few words. On the cover was a man, gentle and serene. Arms reaching wide, as if he was about to hug all the little children gathered around his feet. The title said “Jesus Loves Me”.

I opened the book and read the rhyme written…

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, “Let them come to Me.”

Jesus loves me still today,
Walking with me on my way,
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live.

I sat and re-read that book, and stared at that picture for days.

Wanting.

Wishing.

But even at that young age, I had already lived years with the belief that hope was make-believe. That wishes, no matter how many stars you wish upon, do not come true. That praying for someone to rescue you will fall on deaf ears, and will not happen...no matter how much you beg in the depths of the night, huddled under a bed trying to escape filthy hands, or hiding in a closet trying to drown out screams, or cowering in a corner waiting for the next strike to fall.

So I walked over to the trash, and threw the book away. Because this, to my damaged and hurting eight year old mind, just confirmed what I had already been taught.

Something was wrong with me.

If Jesus loved ME, he would not let these things happen to me.

If Jesus loved ME, he would welcome me with open arms, and take away my pain.

If Jesus loved ME, I would be resting in His arms.

I mentioned earlier in the week that I am embarking on a journey…a seeking of God’s face and hands in the midst of my most painful memories, and a questioning of what God wants me to see in that. In my first counseling session last week, this memory is one of the first that came to mind, as we worked and prayed through my not being able to see God’s presence in my childhood.

And this is what God showed me, as tears fell for that lost little girl.

Lie # 1

I’ve said all my life I never knew God in my childhood…that He was completely absent.

Truth # 1

God was there all along. And He sent sign after sign, like this book, to reach into a little girl’s hell, to give her hope and the protection of Jesus’ loving arms around her. She just didn’t know how to trust in that hope in the midst of long-term adversity.

Lie # 2

I’ve said all my life that I was to blame for my abuse…I was a difficult child, I created problems, created stress. That I deserved it. And that no one could possibly love such a horrible, dirty girl. Not even Jesus.

Truth #2
Jesus loved me, as I was. And was seeking me, as I was. NOTHING was wrong with me, and I had done NOTHING to cause my abuse.

I know my situation is not unique. I know there are other women out there who have experienced the horrors of abuse, in many different ways and degrees of severity. My hope in writing about my journey is simple…I want you to be able to see God in my life then. And maybe, that will help you seek Him in the midst of whatever circumstance holds you captive.

Bring it back to the beginning
To the first taste of shame
A fallen world in waiting
Only one could take the blame

Fast forward to the ending
One truth remains
There’s a miracle waiting
For all who speak His name
-ZoeGirl

I love you and am praying for you.

If You Want Me To

2009-10-16T05:14:00.007-05:00

I sit in the pink plastic chair, watching my daughter through the mirror. She is in ballet class, and they are working through stretches and the five positions of ballet. I am fascinated with her grace and her beauty as she goes through the required motions.

Most of all, I am fascinated by the aura of peace that permeates every movement, the joy that pours forth in every step.

When she was three, I enrolled her in ballet to fulfill one of my childhood dreams. I had always wanted to be a dancer; and actually had the opportunity to be in ballet at the age of four. I would go to class and try to do the steps, but frankly, I am not the most coordinated person.

What seemed so easy to other girls caused me to trip and stumble….the lines of my body crooked and awkward. Despite that, dance class was literally a slice of heaven for me for a little while. But, the first defining moment of my life was drawing near. And the aftermath of that moment created such an explosion of willfulness and acting out in my damaged young self, that eventually my mother stopped taking me.

These memories ran through my mind, as I watched my daughter move on from the warm-up to practice her arabesque. I was amazed at the growth in her abilities since her first dance class so many years ago. You see, she too tripped and stumbled through the steps, the lines of her body crooked and awkward. She disliked the discipline of practice, constantly made mistakes in form, forgot her steps, and fidgeted through the lessons.

Her teacher was so encouraging, and always told us to keep working with her on the basics… that the five positions of ballet would ease her journey towards learning the more difficult and intricate steps of ballet. And that one day she would master the basic positioning, which would in turn prepare her to master more advanced steps with ideal technique and form.

As I have embarked on this journey of faith the last three years, my “teacher” has often whispered that same lesson in my ear. That if I master the five basic positions of my beliefs

{His word and promises are absolute}

{I am a sinner, saved by grace}

{I am forgiven and redeemed}

{I am unconditionally loved}

{He will fulfill His work in me}

I will be paving the way for the more advanced steps with ideal technique and form. I have a place in His kingdom and an ordained purpose in His mission, which I could not fulfill if it were not for the long, hard, and never-ending process of sanctification. And that even when I disliked the discipline of practice, made mistakes in form, forgot my steps, and fidgeted through the lessons, He would still be there to direct and lead me.

It is hard to obey Him sometimes. To leave behind the surface beauty, and to dig deep into the trenches of a time where I have a difficult time seeing God, feeling God.

But I have been called to move on in my training. To graduate from the awkward baby steps of a stumbling, unsure faith to a firm, decisive path of true healing, held up by God.

I really don’t want to. Much like my daughter fought practicing all those years. But I look at her now and see a promise fulfilled. A life-long foundation in Christ that I never had; and that is producing so much beauty and compassion and desire to seek Him in my eight year old daughter. If He can do that in her, I can only imagine what He can do in me.

So I will move forward, because He wants me to, and because I know He will keep his promise.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

Please join me in prayer and stand in the gap for me and my family, as I head back to counseling for the lingering effects of my childhood abuse. I pray that I come out on the other side, fully believing in God’s presence and love during my childhood, and broken free from the bondage of lies I still struggle to discard. May God use this next step of my journey to encourage others, and may His light and love and grace and glory prevail. And may He give me an aura of peace that permeates every movement, and joy that pours forth in every step.

I'm THAT Girl

2009-10-09T06:07:00.006-05:00

Yep, I’m THAT Girl…

The one who blared MTV and VH1 all day long when I was home alone as a kid and pretended to be the female vocal lead in such heart-felt songs like

Bananarama- Cruel Summer
Bangles- Eternal Flame
Cars- You Might Think
Will Power- Baby I Love Your Way

and countless other songs that now make me giggle at the lyrics (and outfits! And hairdos!).

The one who repeatedly cleared the middle of my bedroom of all its furniture, except for…

wait for it…

wait for it….

A single chair, with a belt looped around the light fixture on my ceiling, songs from Flash Dance blaring as I draped myself, very gracefully and exuberantly on that chair, executing each and every dance move to perfection (those of you who know me in real life have permission to laugh hysterically.)

See, one of my deepest wishes as a child was that I could sing and dance. Just like many victims of childhood abuse are, I was a child without a voice…not allowed to express my opinion, not allowed to freely speak. I was a child of rigid boundaries…not allowed to explore a world of play and expression…always bound by rules, which if broken, would mean pain and tears and heartache. I was a child who lived in a world of pretend, because the real world was just too devastating.

Did I mention that I’m STILL that girl?

The one who stills sings in the shower, or in the car, or at the store, or behind you at church? The one singing at the top of her lungs, but who can’t carry a tune, to save her life? The one doing a little jig to whatever music is on her IPOD while she is working out at the gym or running down the street? The one whose son asks her to turn up the radio when she is singing to drown her out? The one whose daughter stares at her in disbelief as she prances around the living room and tries to teach her proper dance moves and technique?

If so, I am so very sorry that you have been subjected to that. Not so sorry for my kids. They can deal, as it is my responsibility and God-given right as their mother to embarrass them profusely. But I want you to know, that even though my song to you might sound, only slightly (rolling eyes inserted here) out of tune, and my dancing may seem, only slightly (more rolling eyes inserted here), like I am crazed loon, I LOVE IT.

Singing and dancing brought me SO MUCH JOY as a child, and provided an outlet and a way to dream of better things.

And now, they do the same even more so.

Because the beauty of song and the beauty of dance is how I first heard God speak to me, and how I first saw the promise of the legacy my husband and I were leaving by being a first generation in our family to pursue Christ.

Years ago, I started to pray. All I could pray then was a simple plea for God to enter my life, to end this pain, and to set me free from my self-imposed silence and rigid boundaries. And He answered me, by faithfully waking me with a song in my mind every single morning. I, in turn, play that song for my children and dance around the room with them, telling them that this is God’s sweet love note to us for that particular day.

That first morning, so long ago, it was these lyrics from “O Praise Him (All This For a King).

How infinite and sweet
This love so rescuing
Oh how infinitely sweet
This great love that has redeemed
As one, we sing...
O praise Him!
O praise Him!
He is Holy!
He is Holy!

Turn your gaze
To Heaven and raise
A joyous noise
Oh the sound of salvation come
The sound of rescued ones
And all this for a king
Angels join to sing
'All for Christ our King!'
O praise Him!
O praise Him!
He is Holy!
He is Holy!

And this morning, it was these same lyrics.

So in a few moments, I will wake up my children, and dance and sing with them with the same joy and exuberance (and clumsiness and awful voice) praising God that I can do so with pure love in my heart. And I will rejoice in the fact that my God remembers those childhood dreams, and cares enough to reach out to me in a way that fulfills that very dream now. And I will rejoice in the sweetness in front of me…my happy, God-loving children singing and dancing and playing, full of joy and expression and love for God, with not an ounce of fear in sight.

I am so thankful for His promises fulfilled, and so thankful that the simple gift of my redemption and restoration from that "pit of destruction" gave my children a future in Hm.

How Dare You

2009-10-06T08:34:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, my precious husband asked me when I was going to start writing again. I had been on a hiatus of sorts for several weeks because I came to the startling conviction one morning, as words suddenly refused to come pouring out of me, that something was eating at my soul. This was devastating to me as a writer…to lose one of the only gifts from God I am certain of, as certain as I am that He gives me the gift of breath, of life, each and every day.

The loss of my “voice” (and really, His voice) was so sudden, so violent, and so disconcerting, that I felt like an amputee…not being able to do something so natural to me, but still feeling the ghost whispers of God-given words rattling around in my mind…flinging themselves hopelessly over and over against a wall of sin so high and so imposing they could not even begin to scale it.

For all intents and purposes, I should have been happy during the time leading up to that moment. I should have been praising God for the unbelievable ways He has entered my life and that of my husband and pieced our hearts and souls back together into a beautiful tapestry of redemption. I should have been happy that He was moving in absolutely amazing ways, yet again, to paint yet another beautiful layer onto our story…enabling us to take our story, really HIS story, from the confines of our church and our immediate church family and our amazing support group. God was calling us to start living it out loud to an outside world that might laugh at us staying together, and question why we didn’t just move on, why we didn’t lazily and stubbornly discard the wreckage that was our marriage because we had hurt each other too deeply.

But I just couldn’t. Because God was using that exact moment to call me out on sin in my life that was absolutely horrifying, absolutely devastating, and absolutely disgusting to both Him and me.

Almost three years ago, I was part of a decision that would rip my family and that of another family to shreds…a decision that still reverberates through the fabric of our lives and I am sure their lives in too many ways to count. God has been so good to both families, taking each of us on a journey to love and trust Him to heal us, and in that He has been so faithful to all involved.

But as my husband and I saw God move in amazing ways these last few years with literally answered prayers, with literally grace poured out, that sinking feeling in my soul grew and grew.

I called a sweet and precious friend, and sobbed on the phone for hours, barely able to talk, barely able to form coherent words as I tried to explain what was going on.
And as she asked me questions, what I had kept hidden for so long, what I had pushed away, over and over and over for so many years, came crashing to the surface.

I had not forgiven. Truly forgiven. And it was rotting me from the inside out, threatening the very foundation of my faith.

I thought I had forgiven, freely, someone I had trusted implicitly (and blindly) to guide me and love me as a sister in Christ, and who instead had betrayed me and used me.

I want to say right here, right now, that I am by no means claiming that I have not done that exact same thing to others… that most often, the blame for any given situation doesn’t lie solely on one person’s shoulders, especially in the case of my affair. The responsibility for our actions were shared, weaving through the tangled threads of lack of faith, too many lies, deeply damaged hearts, selfish souls, and worldly desires. I am fully aware of my part in this affair, and am deeply sorrowful. What I am torn apart about is NOT a debate over whose fault it was or trying to justify or diminish actions caused by deliberate and willful sin; but rather the deliberate discarding of a God ordained responsibility to care for my then fragile, unsaved soul by a man professing to be Christian.

Sadly, the reality that I had tried to bury for so long was that all I have been able to think about this person for a very long time was “How dare you.”

How dare you walk into my life, and take my already trampled and beaten heart, my scared and scarred soul searching for God, and so callously lead me astray.

And my sweet, precious, loving God answered me immediately as I cried out in pain, in anger, wanting to know “Why.”

With a gentle sigh, a sweet caress, and a thunderous admonishment that ripped through every fiber in my being and broke my heart, He said:

“How dare YOU.

How dare YOU refuse to forgive, when you have so readily been forgiven?

How dare YOU view one man’s sin worse then your own?

How dare YOU allow one man and his actions to alter your faith in me and my promises?

How dare YOU blame your lack of faith on one man, instead of your own disobedient heart?

How dare YOU withhold even the tiniest piece of the gift I have given you, the grace I have bestowed upon you, the calling I have placed on you because of one man?

When I gave you, with tears and blood and sweat and agony poured down, the only man that matters.

My Son, dying on the cross, FOR YOU, suffering the agony of a betrayal you can NEVER begin to feel, experience, or understand.”

Oh, how God has humbled me. I can’t even begin to express how deeply this hurt; the knowledge that I was headed in the same direction this man found himself going so many years ago. Professing faith boldly and loudly, discipling others, teaching them about God….but being tainted by hidden sin.

God has lovingly taken my hand, and shown me so clearly that my lack of forgiveness is what is holding me back from fulfilling His plan for my life and allowing His light to shine through me so brightly and faithfully that it will never be dimmed again.

I leave you with this last question and a hopeful prayer. Why, oh why, is it so exponentially more difficult to put aside self, put aside hurt, and put aside pain to offer forgiveness to a fellow sinner, then it is to take forgiveness so breathtakingly offered when neither you nor I deserved it? My selfish heart rebels at the very thought, the very process of disciplining my mind to follow the Truth and submit, especially in this. I pray out of the depths of my soul, and out of utter obedience to the Father I love, the Father I cherish, the Father I owe everything to.

Help me forgive, because I can’t do it on my own.

Perception

2009-10-05T07:37:00.001-05:00

I'm a guest writer on "God Speaks Today", a wonderful blog inspiring others to learn how to seek and hear God's voice in today's world. Check out my devotional on Perception and be blessed by Sandy's amazing discernment and writing glorifying God!

Today, I Begin Again

2009-08-26T11:44:00.004-05:00

The last few years have been dark. Darker than I care to admit...filled with selfishness, self-hatred, loss, grief, loneliness, and deliberate sin.

The last few years have been hard. Harder then I thought things could ever be...filled with self-confrontation, self-condemnation, and self-imposed trials in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

The last few years have been a lesson. A lesson learned slowly, while I carefully stepped into the world of an unknown God...filled with pruning, planting of seeds, watering of my heart and soul.

The last few years have been a dance. A dance started awkwardly and with reservations. One step forward, ten steps back. And then over again and again and again. A dance now graduated to a timid, yet beautiful waltz...where I follow, and He leads.

The last few years have been joyful. More joyful than I could ever have imagined.
Filled with God's love, God's grace, God's sacrifice.

Through all that, I have finally experienced true peace. And with that, true recognition that God's plan for me is only being hindered, held back, held in check.

By me.

He has {graciously and lovingly} removed obstacles to my faith, smashed lies I've believed all my life into a million pieces, and stripped me of selfish idols left and right these last few months.

Today, I begin again.

In His presence alone.

You may not hear from me for awhile, but please know that God is at work. I am trying hard to listen, and obey.

I love you and am always praying for you.

In Him,
Lindsey

Mirror Image

2009-08-14T10:28:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time a young girl sat in front of a mirror, staring at her reflection and making different faces. An innocent child’s game of pretend.

Smiling face…freeze…hold.

Laughing face…freeze…hold.

Excited face…freeze…hold.

She would turn to and fro, observing herself from every angle, from every side, trying to get a glimpse of how each made her appear.

These faces made her feel awkward, uncomfortable. What she saw was her reflection contorted into a clown’s face…a gross exaggeration of seemingly beautiful emotions that didn’t quite fit into the reality of her world or the brokenness of her heart, no matter how hard she tried to make them. So instead, she started making faces that were more natural. More ingrained. More true to her life.

Lonely face…freeze…hold.

Crying face…freeze…hold.

Empty face…freeze…hold.

A feeling of weariness and despair rose from deep within, and anger erupted.

She started crying, and screaming her anguish and her rage and her pain at the unfairness of her life. She picked up the nearest object and furiously smashed the mirror to pieces, breaking it into what seemed like a million shards of shattered dreams and lost innocence. As glass settled around her and her rage subsided, she stared at her new reflection, now distorted and fractured.

Today, the memory of that day is so strong I can practically feel myself running my hands over that broken glass, thinking “this is what I feel like deep inside…jagged edges barely held together.” Thinking “this is how I will be forever.” Resigning myself to a lifetime of despair and hopelessness. Coloring myself as uncourageous.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Yes, my spirit had been broken. Yes, my dreams had been shattered. But I was loved by an amazing God who would one day make himself known, and who would one day help me pick up those sharp pieces of glass and show me how to piece them back together. Not into any of the distorted and fractured images I imagined, but into the amazingly beautiful image He created me to be.

Sometimes, I still grieve for that young girl. Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time, and take her hand, and tell her that what she saw in herself for so many years was just not true. That He would bring her heart back to life, and show her how to rest in true happiness, how to rejoice with true laughter, and how to overflow with true joy and excitement for the world around her. That true courage is only found in God. By turning away from past mistakes, turning away from blaming others or circumstances out of her control, taking responsibility for the state of her heart, and stepping forward into the scary unknown of faith in a God she can’t see, but will feel and hear every day the rest of her life.

But if I could to that, I would not be who I am today. And I would not be able to see so vividly the devastation of a life without God versus the eternal hope of a life with God. And now I recognize the glass for what it is. Yes, there are still some jagged edges that cause pain and tear at the fabric of my heart. But those same jagged edges fit together perfectly and present an image that can reflect light and beauty. Even with the edges, I am still fearfully and wonderfully made.

“Glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.”
-Ephesians 3:20

The Sinkhole

2009-08-11T09:27:00.002-05:00

Last night, I had a dream. In it, my husband and I were driving up a beautiful winding road covered in a canopy of trees to tour our dream house…an old-fashioned ranch home with a wraparound porch, a tire swing, and acres upon acres of land in the country.

We stepped out of the car and met the man who was going to walk us through the home and sell us on why we should buy it. We were a little surprised at his appearance- he looked like a builder instead of a salesman…wearing jeans and work boots and a tool belt…a nice man with a jovial and charming personality.

As he led us through the house, he talked about the imported tile and hand scraped wood on the floors, the state of the art kitchen and bathrooms, the light and airy space and abundance of windows, and the thousands upon thousands of dollars invested in every comfort we could possibly imagine and want in a home…a backyard oasis with a swimming pool and a spa, a guest house fully appointed, even a play fort and tree house for our kids. It was so perfect…so beautiful…and seemed so right for our family of four. I could see my family laughing and playing and living life here.

As we walked to the car, the man told us the price, and asked for a deposit. The amount was high---way over our budget in fact, and the deposit would diminish our savings significantly. We drove away with a promise to the man that we would make a decision soon. In the car my husband and I talked about the sacrifice it would take to own the home, but we could start small, with just the deposit, and payment by payment we could fit it in, this dream home of ours. Surely, it would bring us simplicity, serenity, peace, joy. What could the harm in it be? We turned around, and signed a contract on the spot with the man. He was ecstatic and overjoyed- a thought that he was enjoying this almost a little too much crossed my mind- but I pushed the thought away.

My husband and I drove away again, talking about our plans for the new house, turned the corner to the highway and headed away. And as I glanced back, I saw a sign posted next to a huge area near the side of the house that said “Danger- Sinkhole.” The house was sitting on land that had started to cave in, and in fact was in imminent and immediate danger of collapsing upon itself. All that beauty would be gone in an instant, and we had just bought and paid for it. Instantly, I felt sick, and unsettled, and wondered what we had done. We had been so blinded by outward beauty and the weaving and tangling of words that promised peace we longed for that we had paid no attention to the foundation that home was built on.

I woke up with the thought that this dream is a perfect example of what it is like to one day wake up and realize that you are deeply mired in sins of the flesh and of the heart, but have little idea of how you got there. Without God, our deepest desires for comfort, security, and beauty are constantly twisted and compromised by our selfish hearts, by Satan’s influence, and by the world’s siren call. We start believing that if we just give in to our wants a little here or there, if we just bend the rules a little to make the here and now more bearable, if we compromise just a little, surely no harm will come. God wants us to be happy after all, right???

The truth of course is that if we are not in God’s word daily, if we are not breathing and living the truth of the real beauty and real comfort and security only He can bring us, it is incredibly easy to get trapped. Satan wraps himself in whatever seemingly innocent and helpful skin he needs to attack our hidden addictions and hidden fears and hidden insecurities, bringing only destruction, filth, and shame with him.

So I ask you, what are you giving in to a little here and there right now?
What rules are you bending right now?
What compromises are you making in your faith, your life, your marriage, your parenting, your friendships, your work, your heart?

Whatever your story may be, believe with all your heart that it is NOT TOO LATE to turn around and head back towards God. It is NOT TOO LATE to avoid that sinkhole of destruction. Don't believe Satan's lies! You CAN start over, throwing away everything that is destructive and filthy and shameful and blinding, and start building a strong and true foundation in God alone.

“For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.”
-Matthew 13:15

I love you, and am praying for you!

Storm

2009-07-23T12:14:00.011-05:00

how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright
-Lifehouse

Listening to this song today, I found myself getting distracted by some of the lyrics, but not in a good way. I wondered how many other people listen to this song and find themselves nodding their head and slowing starting to let feelings creep in like nothing is ever going to change...that they are caught in storms and that praying and praying and depending on God is just not working, prayers are just not being answered, things just aren't working out. The constant refrain of "If I could just see you" everything would be better going through their minds.

As I caught myself thinking this, I started asking myself...can I REALLY not see God all around? Or am I ALLOWING

selfishness
despair
loneliness
stress
circumstances
other people
pride
laziness
fear
apathy
busyness
self-pity
self-condemnation
shame
rejection
hurt feelings

in other words...

Satan,
and his schemes

to BLIND me from seeing God where He has been all along? Right there beside me assuring me that none of those things can ever hold a grip over me, because He is here and He is all I need?

And how about you??? Are you trying to go your own way, having thoughts like these and using what seems like minor sins or the belief that you are "following the rules" to justify not fully falling into God's arms and resting in His strength?

"Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?"
-2 Corinthians 13:5

"Know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified."
-Galatians 2:16

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Hebrews 12:2-3

"For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."
-Romans 1:20

"Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.”But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
-Psalm 39:6-7

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."
-Psalm 62:1-2

And by the way, I am totally guilty of having this mentality a lot, including today. I looked up these verses for myself...so if it feels harsher then what I normally post, it is because I am annoyed with myself for straying from truth.

But it never fails, that each time I catch myself wallowing in self-pity or getting trapped in a lie, and I turn to the truth instead, I find more then I ever needed.

I love you and am praying for you!

Just Because

2009-07-15T11:24:00.011-05:00

I was in the car with my sweet daughter today, and she reached over to grab my hand as we drove. Sitting there with her brought back such a rush of memories from when she was younger. She was so independent, never wanting to be held unless she was asleep or not feeling well. I learned to appreciate the brief cuddles I received from her, knowing they would be few and far between. Looking back, I can see the beauty in those moments and how they outlined a path of spiritual growth for my daughter. Even then, she instinctively knew she could climb into my arms when she was hurting or needed peace and rest.

It has only been recently that my daughter has also sought my touch outside of those times, just because. As her heart has changed, she is learning the value of reaching out to me when she doesn’t “need” me…simply to make contact, to be reassured that I am always there, and to feel my love for her. At the same time, she is learning to do the same with God.

I am left with the knowledge that my spiritual growth has taken much the same path as my daughter’s. I too am more and more aware of the fact that I don’t need to run to God only out of necessity or as a reaction to some event or circumstance in my life; rather I can run to Him anytime, just because. He is always there and always loving me. And I want to rest in His arms and enjoy the simple feeling of peace, just because He is my Father.

Can I say again how thankful I am? That I am able to sit here and share this with you, knowing that God did use all that destruction in my life for good? All I have to do is look at my children loving God and look at my marriage honoring God, and see His power and His promises in action.

His love overwhelms me. Does it overwhelm you? Take a few moments and read how much He loves you...and remember what it is like to rest in His peace and love, just because.

"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies."
-Psa 36:5

"How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings."
-Psa 36:7

" The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."
-Jer 31:3

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail."
-Lam 3:22

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
-Zep 3:17

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."
-1 John 4:16

Love you and am praying for you!

Taylor

2009-06-13T07:32:00.006-05:00

We are taking a quick break from the series to talk about a miracle!! Read, and be blessed!

"Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord, lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children"
-Lamentations 2:19

This morning I am overwhelmed at God’s love and presence in my life and in that of my family. I am undone over His faithfulness to the imperfect woman I am and the innermost desires of my heart. Facts that mean the world to me, when such a short time ago I didn’t understand God, love God, seek God, or believe in God, and still sometimes falter in my pursuit of Him and in my trust in Him.

I rarely talk about my daughter on this blog because to be honest, I have not had a lot of happy, inspiring stories to tell. She and I have always struggled to communicate, struggled to connect, and struggled to express love in a way that each of us could accept. My relationship with her causes me to question and challenge my parenting skills every second it seems.

She is wildly intelligent, has a deeply logical way with words when she speaks that can turn you in circles and tie you up in knots trying to keep up with her, is not afraid of anything, so passionate, so outspoken, so independent, and just plain glows with a fire and joy for life that is beautiful to see.

She is also amazingly stubborn and always questioning authority, rules, and boundaries…I can’t imagine where she got those traits from. :-)

In the past, my unconscious fears for my daughter ran so unbelievably deep. I had this fierce desire based on my own fear and experiences to protect her from the world, to protect her from harm’s way, to teach her to have a voice and to not be afraid to use it.

By the age of five, I knew who the bogeyman was intimately. He had a face, a name, hands, and a voice I will never forget. And because of that, I was so determined that she would not have a childhood like mine, and that if anyone ever tried to hurt her the way I had been hurt she would know how to fight back.

But once I was a Christian, God slowly worked on my heart, showing me that if I continued to teach her such focus on taking care of herself and protecting herself solely with her own strength, I was setting her up for a lifelong battle of questioning God’s presence and authority and grace in this world and in her life. I was not equipping her to fight against Satan. That battle was already evident in the challenging relationship we had with her as her parents, with little respect for us and lack of dependence on us at such a young age.

So even though I was still learning and still seeking and still struggling with my own faith, even though trust in God was such a huge issue for me still, I started to pray over my daughter and her heart. When my inclination was to want to shake some sense into her when she disregarded rules designed to keep her safe yet again, to berate her for yet again being so willful and disrespectful, to tell her horror stories of would might happen to her, I started talking to her about being Christ-like...about grace, kindness in her heart, being willing to forgive, empathy, respect for others, and a love born out of service to others.

We also started talking more specifically about God, and Jesus, and how they are the only way to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves from this world.

Finally, we talked about how even after she chose to accept Christ the bogeyman would still be there. Bad things would still happen. It would still be hard sometimes to follow Christ all of her days. But that the single most important decision she could make was to accept Jesus into her heart, and to choose to follow him, and that amazing joy and peace of an eternal life would be hers even through the bad things in life. And for a long, long, time she was “thinking about it.” Asking questions of me, asking questions of her friends, asking questions in church school, even asking MY friends questions.

But that glorious day finally came last night, when my precious girl told me she wanted to pray to accept Jesus in her heart, and then promptly told me the gospel, and how Jesus saves, and how we all need his presence and love in our lives. Her enthusiasm and joy in her decision is all over her face, evident in her tone, and pouring out of her so abundantly. That child-like faith is so wonderful to see, and such an ever-present reminder that my faith should be based on such sweet child-like trust and acceptance as well.

This proud mother can only imagine what my amazing daughter will be like as the years pass, and all her passion and fire is poured into a relationship with Christ. I know my daughter and I will have hills to climb together in our future. I know there will be times when we can’t seem to stay on the same page, when I can’t always protect her from harm or disappointment or sorrow. But I also know we will have much joy and happiness and love to celebrate together. And I am so thankful that God will always be there, always teaching, always equipping, always guiding, and always showing His glory to us in new ways.

The Voice of Truth

2009-06-09T09:50:00.006-05:00

If you are just joining us for the “Obstacles to Spiritual Growth” series, you can read previous weeks here:

Part 1: Intro

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 2: The Voice of Truth

"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."
- Hebrews 4:12

I received the following comment in an email few weeks ago:

“Girl, I loved your steps for recovery and loved that you staying biblically focused and trying to have a sense of humor and when you are going through such a hard time. But I have to ask, what happened to going to the counselor?”

Well, anonymous email friend, I’m glad you noticed that wasn’t in my 12 Steps for Recovery! In fact, there is a very distinct reason for that.

Remember when I said I suddenly realized that I had fallen into a depression? What I didn’t provide detail on is the spiritual awakening that resulted a few moments later. Let me explain…

I have been through several bouts of what I would call severe depression in my adult life, starting when I left home at the age of 18. I would often find myself going through the motions of school and work, but was always burdened by a deep unexplainable ache and a sense of emptiness in my heart. There would be times of joy, where I felt that things were finally looking up…meeting my soon to be husband, getting married, promotions at work, having my children, even finding God and being saved…but those events were always eventually eclipsed by a pervasive sense of despair and a fear that there was no purpose to my life.

While I was sitting there on my couch feeling sorry for myself, I started looking around the room, noticing the clothes I was wearing, the food I was eating, and the thoughts I was having, and had a sense of de ja vu. Like I said, I’ve been there before, a lot. But it suddenly hit my (upside the head with a bat, as God tends to do with me!) that I was CHOOSING to be depressed.

Read that again. I was CHOOSING to be depressed.

I am going to insert a small disclaimer here. Clinical depression that can be related to a chemical imbalance in the brain, family genetics, sudden trauma or stress, physical illness, or other psychological disorder, etc is very real. And for years I would have said I suffered from clinical depression.

But you see, I have also been praying for the last several months that God would open my eyes to spiritual obstacles in my life. And what He told me that day was that depression was a choice I was making right then and had been making so many times in the past. It was a stronghold in my life that I had been using as a spiritually unhealthy way of coping with hurt, loss, disappointment, and anger.

Once I realized what a crutch depression had been to me, I was able to repent. Because the reality is that I was choosing my own self-centered miseries over God’s truth, which is doubting God’s sovereignty and promise, which is a sin.

And once I repented, it no longer had a hold over me. I had no need to go to a counselor and have them tell me biblical truth, because I already KNOW the truth. I was just refusing to believe it, and instead justifying my depression because of recent events and hardship in my life. I have since been able to move forward in freedom and joy and peace in so many areas of my life that I never thought I could. Not only did God show me His promises to fulfill a work in me are true, He tangibly gave me that what I asked for…freedom from my strongholds.

Again, there are very real obstacles in our life that can prevent us from moving forward in God. Some are a result of satanic or demonic attacks. Some are a result of past or current hurts. And there are many ways to seek help for those types of issues.

What I want to encourage you to focus on here are the ones that are a result of obstacles we choose to put in our path out of trying to create safety, or out of comfort, or out of habit. I want you to be able to tear down the walls that have been built up and that you have held onto for years, perhaps without realizing it.

The first step to doing this is to remove yourself from the process and to seek and listen to God’s voice instead.

“And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”
-Matthew 22:21

Some steps you can take:

• Spend the next several days praying for God to open your eyes and allow your heart to be receptive towards what He wants for you.

• If you are crazy like me and have a list of sins, faults, or bad habits you have written down for yourself, spend some time looking up scripture as it relates to each item, write the scripture down and study it, and pray over that list for several days. Highlight the areas you feel God has impressing on you during this time to focus on.

• If you do not have a list, open the bible and start reading…Proverbs, Psalms, John…just start somewhere. And write down what speaks to you, pray over it and highlight the areas you feel God is impressing on you during this time to focus on.

• Find a good bible study on overcoming obstacles such as “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore or Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, and do it diligently.

• Find an accountability partner to share with and to obtain biblical truth and guidance from.

Next week we will talk about steps you can to take to discern what are perceived obstacles versus real obstacles on your list.

As always, I love you and am praying for you!

I’m Baaaaccckk!!!

2009-05-26T10:20:00.004-05:00

I am so excited to sit down and write today, I have missed it and I have missed all of you!! I also sincerely apologize to my faithful readers who have come back day after day to….nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If it consoles you at all, even though I was not writing, I have been a busy girl. Here are the “12 Steps to Recovery” I took to bring me back from the dark side.

1. I got off the couch. Believe me, that was a huge effort for awhile. I think there is a permanent imprint of my derriere on the couch cushions now.

2. I took a shower. Again, that was a huge effort. My husband and kids and dog all REALLY appreciated this step and stopped spraying Febreze on me when I walked by.

3. I told my kids to hide the remote. Any of you that have children know that means I will NEVER see it again.

4. I said bye-bye to Oprah and Jon & Kate Plus 8 and endless re-runs of Clean House, shows which, in order, make me feel terrified, in physical pain, and inadequate. I mean really, the news is terrifying enough…but Oprah is enough to make my head spin at the craziness and lack of common sense in this world. And Jon & Kate, et al? Let’s forget the actually carrying and birthing 8 kids…ouch! I can’t imagine the chaos every day. And Clean House? So totally NOT my home. I only wish I could whisk through my junk, sell it or donate or keep it, buy a few gallons of paint and have some big carpenter dude with an accent build me shelves, and Ta-Da!! Instantly organized and pretty!

5. I threw away the offending sweatpants and bought some that said “Juicy” on the rear end. Ok, just kidding. But I did get rid of all my ratty, old, stretched out and faded clothes and purchased a few items that actually fit me and make me feel pretty.

6. I also cut all the tags out of the above-mentioned new clothes. No need to ruin my mojo by looking at sizes on stinkin’ tags.

7. I have started sending my husband to the store so I won’t buy anything even remotely resembling Peanut Butter M&M’s or anything that will cause my rear end to exponentially grow just by looking at the package.

8. I went to the gym!! Ok, I am actually flat out lying here. I have not been to the gym yet…but I did pull up the class schedule and add all the classes I should be taking and plan on taking to my Outlook calendar. That counts for something, right?!?

9. I asked a friend to be an accountability partner for the gym. I have since flaked out and canceled on her for any number of dumb reasons (I over committed myself today, I can’t find my gym clothes, I have to wait for the lawn mower guy so I can give him a check) every time we schedule to meet. I’m not perfect, you know. :-)

10. I have made myself get out of the house every day with my family and by serving others. Going to the park with my kids, jumping on the trampoline with them (what is the weight limit on those things anyway?? Should my feet be able to touch the ground when jumping?!?), babysitting for a tired mom, grocery shopping for a busy friend, taking an older friend to her doctor’s appointments. Anything that would bring joy or fun or peace to someone else’s day, which made my troubles seem further away.

11. I’ve been channeling “Stuart Smalley” in the mirror every morning. Remember him from Saturday Night Live? “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”

12. I have prayed to God. Ha!! Gotcha!! Did you really think I would write a post that didn’t mention God at all? As if!

My time with God these last few weeks has been sweet and wonderful and exhausting and terrifying and freeing.

I’ve been guilty of tackling my spiritual growth like a huge “To-do” list. I’ve also been guilty of constantly re-prioritizing that “To-do” list so the easy stuff is always at the top and all the hard stuff is constantly pushed to the bottom because it is too hard to deal with it. I’ve also been guilty of going through the motions, putting on an act for those around me, when inside I am screaming.

These next few weeks I am going to share with you what He has taught me about overcoming obstacles that prevent spiritual growth in my own life. I can only hope and pray that you can take what I have learned through His word and His truth and apply some small part of it to your life.

As an intro, I am going to leave YOU with a challenge. Read these lyrics and think about how they make you feel. Let the truth in these lyrics resonate in your heart.

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Then please join me on Friday as I talk about learning to identify true obstacles in your life.

I love you and am praying for you!! Please feel free to email me (select the link "Email Me" on my sidebar)if you have any specific prayer requests I can pray for!

Have a blessed week!

*************************************************************************************
Lyrics by Matthew West from "The Motions"

Be Still

2009-05-04T22:08:00.010-05:00

Well I'm falling to my knees
I feel the earth beneath
With the weight of my sin, and this crushing unbelief
Could You really love me with all that I've done, oh Lord

As I lay in bed today at 4 o'clock in the afternoon for my second nap of that day and a bag of Peanut Butter M&M's in my hand, bemoaning the fact that my "fat" sweatpants now fit and that I was actually looking forward to the next episode of Oprah, I realized with rather startling clarity that I have fallen back into depression. My joy has left me, and I have not been able to find it again. I have not had the true will to go through my days with a worshipful heart, praising God. In fact, I have not had the will to do much of anything at all. I have made myself go about my day to day responsibilities, and even served and reached out to others, but we all know that is not the same as having a pure heart when doing those things.

This depression is not something I meant to happen. In fact, I have been putting up a huge fight these last 8 weeks as I have been home, struggling through my tendencies to fall back on old patterns of feeling alone, feeling rejected, and feeling lost.

All of my actions have failed of course. I certainly know how to go through the motions, and put the mask on. I am very good at doing all the right things, saying all the right words.

What I am not good at, believe it or not, is believing.

I have prayed like I never have before, done bible study after bible study, begged God to show me my path, and tried and tried to make some sense of where I am, where He wants me, and what I am supposed to be doing in all this.

I know the truth. I know I am not alone. I know I am not rejected. And I know that I am not lost.

I am loved by an amazing Father.

But sometimes it is hard to remember that when you keep getting bombarded by life. Sometimes it is just plain hard to respond appropriately, with the truth of God's word, instead of with your feelings. And sometimes you need to grieve over what is lost, before you can make that transition from reacting with feelings to reacting with truth. And as strong as people think I am, I struggle just as much as the next person with that transition.

I know God wants me to "Be still, and know that I am God" -Psalm 46:10

I'm not good at the being still part AT ALL. But I know He is God, and He is sovereign. And He is carrying me, even when I don't know what I am being carried to.

At first I am afraid but not because of fear
But because the Holy of Holies is drawing me near
A voice like thunder shakes the ground I'm on
So I hide my face in the shadow of Your wings, oh Lord

So back to the depression things...don't worry about that. I am on my way to a great Christian counselor and probably lots of happy pills and the gym, and will officially ban Oprah and M&M's from my household. :-) Been there, done that before. Only this time, 10 months didn't pass before I realized it. Praise God for that, and I am truly thankful for the lessons I have learned these last few weeks. It is not enough to go through the motions during the challenges of this life. We have to pursue a pure heart even in the midst of those storms, and not let anything diminish our joy in Christ.

"My brothers and sisters, consider it nothing but joy when you fall into all sorts of trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance."
-James 1:2-3

Blessings to each of you this beautiful day!

*************************************************************************************
For a great sermon on response, check out this link from Providence Church!

Lyrics from "Hallelujah" by Tenth Avenue North. I LOVE this CD!!!

Asleep at the Wheel

2009-04-19T19:47:00.004-05:00

A few days ago, I was driving home from a lunch date with my husband. We had just had a serious conversation and I was pretty emotionally drained. I could physically and mentally feel the weight of that conversation and the trials of weeks past pressing down on me.

I started to pray over the conversation and over the decisions my husband and I had made, thanking God for such a sweet and precious time and praising Him for giving us some discernment and peace. I thanked God that my husband and I were still married, and able to sit at a table and have this type of conversation without heated words or objects flying through the air. I prayed over friends I know who are going through trials right now, over family who needs to seek and know Him, and over my precious kids who are just starting to understand who God really is and are such a joy to watch and teach. And then I prayed for rest for my weary soul.

What happened next was a fluke. Or maybe it wasn’t. I am not sure I will every really know. But God answered my prayer in a startling and unexpected way that left me changed, in an instant.

Right after I said Amen, I fell asleep at the wheel of my car.

I awoke with a start just a few moments later, with the terrifying realization that my car was headed towards a steep descent into a deep ditch filled with huge concrete blocks for construction of the road. In what seemed like slow motion, I registered the sound of the front wheels of my car spinning on grass and gravel, and the back wheels of my car crossing the little speed bumps. The ones placed there to show the demarcation between the road I am supposed to be traveling, and the road that I am not. I opened my mouth to issue a plea, and what came out was:

“Thank you for this life you’ve given me.”

Certainly not what I meant to say nor what I was feeling. What was rattling through my head was:

“Please God don’t let me die in a ditch on the side of the road, please let me live to see my kids grow up, please me grow old with my husband, please let me remain unhurt, please save me.”

But instead, my heart responded with truth, knowing that He already has saved me. And in that, I found my rest.

If I hadn’t been able to jerk that steering wheel, slam on my breaks, and slide to a stop a few feet from that ditch, I very well could have been seated at His side right now. And I was perfectly fine with that. I love my children, I love my husband, and I love the life I live.

But I also love the LIFE I live, given by Him alone, and can so clearly see the beauty and joy in the eternal place I will have by His side when it is my turn to leave this world.

We all have these warning signs in our life. Sometimes they are gentle and sometimes they are not so gentle reminders of the realities of our limited time here on this earth.

We are called to make the most of that time, praising God through every thought and action and bringing glory to His name and His kingdom. I have been given the gift of God…Jesus…The Holy Spirit. I have been blessed with the word of God through the Bible. And as long as I make these things the center of my life, they will not allow me to be steered in the wrong direction, nor will I ever find myself asleep at the wheel again in a spiritual sense, awakening into a sudden nightmare with no guidance or direction. He is carrying me and guiding me, giving me life and peace and rest, and I am so thankful.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God,who loved me and gave himself for me."
-Galatians 2:20, ESV

Hold My Heart

2009-04-10T08:20:00.010-05:00

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I’ve entered this Easter week carrying a deep pain, reeling from broken trust and betrayal, trying to overcome a world of disappointment, and with an ever growing list of questions about where I am headed and what path God wants me on. I’ve found myself these last few weeks feeling isolated from my church, disconnected from my friends, and severed from everything of this world I have always used and depended on to build myself up.

During my recent quiet times with God, I have been convicted over and over that as much as this hurts…this painful process of realizing yet again that I still willingly hold on to chains that tie me down in so many ways and that I still allow people to create doubt in myself and my spiritual growth…everything is as it should be. God knows my heart, the good and the bad. God knows my faith, the strong parts and the weak parts. And God knows that I needed yet another devastating lesson on how strongly I was still clinging to my "friends", my “actions”, my “job”, and my “ministry” to prove that I deserve His grace and to try and earn His love. He took a lot of that away, and has slammed door after door in my face repeatedly since, all the while saying that I need to stop searching…because He is enough. And nothing I do, say, or try to accomplish will bring me the life I long for the way He alone already has.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

This Easter weekend I want to soak up that life that God has chosen for me. I want to sit and worship the life my Father has given me at such a devastating cost. I want to truly sit and rest for the first time in the understanding of how deep His pain was over losing His son, for me. And each one of you.

Have a beautiful and blessed Easter weekend. I will be praying that each of you can let go of the “light and momentary” troubles you are facing, that you will stop fighting the hands that are holding you, and let yourself rejoice in the peace and love He brings us and the gift He has given us.

***********************************************************************************
Lyrics from "By My Side" and "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North

She Jumps

2009-04-02T22:42:00.004-05:00

**Update** I did not win one of the scholarships, but I firmly believe and will stand by what I said below. Have a blessed day and thank you all for your support and prayers!**

Tomorrow the results of the She Speaks scholarship will be announced. As I prepare for my evening prayers, I am overwhelmed by a sense of peace and a sense of rightness in my world, regardless of whether or not I am given the opportunity to attend in a way that is less of a financial burden.

If my God wants me there, He will make a way.

But first, He needed me to see and believe in a tangible way that I belong there, just like so many other beautiful ladies in this world. Not because of anything I have done or said, but because He has deemed it so. Because He has given each of us undeserving gifts of speech or the written word or leadership, and avenues in which to share those gifts.

I have been blessed immeasurably by the many entries I read through, as every heartfelt dream written out, every beautiful story woven, and every hopeful cry clamored of the desire to let go of our perceived inhibitions, let go of our own thoughts of what we could or could not do, and place full faith in what God KNOWS we can do with our obedient hearts, using words to spread His glory to all around us. Every single lady that took a chance and posted an entry took a first step into the unknown, and every one of them has a chance to jump off the ledge of what seems rational, what seems logical, and what seems normal and into the waiting arms of our Father and His plans for us.

He has been cultivating in each of us a desire deep inside, and He has been preparing us to start pouring out that desire in His name.

I pray that each lady finds peace and hope in knowing that every comment they received was affirmation from God of the precious gift He bestowed upon them for His glory. Every heart touched by their stories, every soul encouraged by their trials, and every ounce of increased faith because of other’s faith was in of itself a beautiful thing and one of the greatest “prizes” this imperfect woman of God could have ever received.

And for that I am grateful, and humbled.

And the outcome of this contest will not keep me from jumping off that ledge anyway.

How about you?

She Speaks Entry: If I Had the Chance...

2009-03-27T21:10:00.018-05:00

Lysa TerKeurst over at Proverbs 31 Ministries is having a contest for bloggers with the prize being a free scholarship to the She Speaks conference in July. Attending this conference is a recent dream of mine, and this scholarship would provide me the amazing opportunity to attend this year. Some of the benefits of attending that I am excited about include the opportunity to meet wonderful women from all over the country seeking out ways to share their love for God through speaking, writing, or blogging. Side bonuses include learning how to write effective book proposals, getting to meet with and have writing critiqued by publishers and editors, learning the mechanics of effective writing, and learning ways to make blogging a more effective ministry. I am beyond excited about this opportunity, and humbly submit my entry below. I also encourage any of you interested in writing or speaking to enter the contest as well!

*************************************************************************************

There’s a moment when
Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone

The little girl awakens to a soft voice in her ear, telling her how much she is loved, how much he has missed her smiling face and bright blue eyes and hair like sunshine today…saying come rest with me for a little while…I’ve had a long day and I want some time with my princess…she eagerly runs to the big bedroom and crawls into the piles of pillows and pulls the covers up to her neck…she feels like she is in a cocoon, and briefly wonders if this is what it is like to be a caterpillar, waiting to emerge into a beautiful butterfly full of color and light, flying free.

Her stepfather walks in and turns the television on. The show on the screen shows images she does not understand. Bodies and faces, writhing and moaning like they are in pain. She turns towards him and says “What are they doing?” He says, “They are showing each other how much they love each other. Would you like to try?” She feels uneasy, unsure, and afraid. But she wants him to know she loves him, and doesn’t want to make him upset or unhappy, because when he is, he yells, he leaves for days, and mommy gets upset. So she asks “What do I do?” and he tells her, and shows her, and she does it. Only, she doesn’t feel love. She feels pain and she feels confusion and she feels ashamed and like she has done something horribly wrong.

She hesitantly asks “Did I do ok?” He pushes her away, yells at her to go away, he is tired. He is done with her. She crawls from the bed in the darkness and stumbles towards the door, trying to straighten her Wonder Woman nightgown, trying not to cry, trying to ignore the cruel laughter coming from the man sitting in that bed. Every shadow in the hallway seems to loom over her small form menacingly; every sound in the house assaults her ears like the crack of a belt as she runs to her bedroom and into the closet, pulling the door shut behind her. She hides behind the rows of clothes, huddled as far back into the darkness as she can, trembling. The tears start to fall as she feels her heart break, as her innocence slips away. And from that moment on, she believes she is unlovable, unworthy, unwanted.

Every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

As the little girl gets older, the stepfather leaves. She is relieved, but she is also damaged beyond repair. She has been threatened not to say anything, that he will harm her mother, her little sister. So she says nothing. She starts to act out…stealing from other children’s lunches, running away, lying, cheating in school. She rarely speaks to others, and retreats into the world of books, devouring stories of fairy tales and happily ever afters, wishing that one day she could have all the love and promise in those books. Waiting for her Prince Charming to come and rescue her.

He never does. Instead, her mother brings home a new boyfriend. The abuse becomes more dangerous, more terrifying. This one likes to hit, taunt, and threaten violence. This ones does drugs and drinks alcohol and flies into terrifying rages. She and her sister often see their mother beaten, have seen their mother screaming for mercy with a gun held to her head. She starts taking her sister with her into the closet to hide when the screams become too much to bear. For some reason he likes her, never touches her or lays a hand on her. But he hurts her sister when she is at school, and she can’t stop him. She feels like a failure, unable to protect and unable to stop her sister from experiencing the same loss of innocence.

How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

The little girl turns into a young woman. She is emotionally withdrawn, socially misfit, and timid. She hides under layers of baggy, ill-fitting clothes and huge glasses. She buries herself in her studies and has no friends. No girlfriends to laugh with or talk to or share makeup with. They scare her, because she just knows that they can see into her soul. Can see how dirty she is. She becomes obsessed with details, always cleaning in a certain way, always dressing in a certain order, always alphabetizing her books and CD’s. She likes the control she feels when everything is in order, and everything is in place. She becomes determined to be the perfect girl with good grades, with a great career, with money. She will not depend on anyone or anything ever again. She will take care of herself. She is the only one she can depend on...the only one who will not let her down.

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

The young woman turns into an adult. She meets a man who makes her laugh, who takes care of her, and who is safe. She marries him, but she does not let go of her control. Eventually her insecurity, her nightmares, her inability to communicate or connect emotionally wreak havoc on her marriage. Often during fights, she still retreats to the closet to hide...to shut out the sound of her "dream" falling apart. They have children, but the children terrify her. She refuses to nurture them, treats them like objects to take care of, refuses to love them. She is afraid of who she might become. How she might harm them. Years pass, and the distance between her and her family grows wider, deeper, more despairing. She starts hearing a whisper…a gentle voice telling her there is another way…a gentle stirring of hope in her heart. She takes her family to church.

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Satan attacks with a staggering vengeance. She meets a man who talks to her about God. She becomes dependent on him. She has an affair with him, believing the lie that he can give her the acceptance and beauty she longs for. Then it ends. They are caught, and left with the bitter aftertaste of regret and shame. She is broken all over again. She dreams over and over that she is in a deep pit, drowning in a whirlpool of filthy water and garbage and stench, darkness all around, screaming for relief. Screaming for deliverance. Screaming for help. At her darkest moment, right before she is about to succumb yet again under the weight of her sin, her selfishness, and her foolish pride, she cries “God, please. Please save me.”

So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

And He does.

And she emerges from that pit, and transforms into a beautiful butterfly full of color and light, flying free.

She is loved. Worthy. Wanted.

She wants to write about God. About His amazing power, His beautiful glory, His joyous peace. She wants to teach other women and children who have been abused, neglected, or harmed that only God can bring them the love, acceptance, and worth they desire. She wants to teach other women with other stories, other pain, other heartache that in the end, we all desire the same fierce love and acceptance, and that can only be found in God alone. She feels called by God to share her story, her pain, her despair, and her redemption in His name. She wants to create that same glimmer of hope, offer that same whisper of an unending love, and shout that same promise of unchanging strength to someone else in need. So that they too can be transformed, be redeemed, and be set free.

*************************************************************************************
Song lyrics in bold are from the song "Sunrise" by Nicole Nordeman

Broken

2009-03-15T19:29:00.005-05:00

partial lyrics by Lifehouse

I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

My Purpose

2009-03-12T06:43:00.008-05:00

"Every trial that comes our way is measured with grace to carry it and power to be blessed by it."
-Unknown

I woke up in tears this morning, with a despairing question for God running through my head over and over and surely brought to mind in my dreams by Satan.

“What is my purpose in your Kingdom? I don’t know HOW I am supposed to serve you in this moment and going forward.”

You see, “our” world wasn’t shattered, as I was so fearful of last week.

Mine was.

As a brief precursor, the last seven months have been very challenging and painful for my personal spiritual walk, for my family, and for my marriage in a variety of ways. We have been attacked over and over in what seems like a non-stop barrage of strife, uncertainty, financial fear, and opposition from just about every corner.

Two things have brought me strength and peace during this time. My dedicated prayer and/or study time each morning, (usually at 530am every morning, which is crazy for anyone that knows me. I LOVE my sleep!) has opened my eyes to the power of God in ways I never could have imagined. So many blessings and so much healing over past hurts has happened during this time that I am often left astounded at how long it took me to realize that all God really wanted was me on my knees, submitting to His will and His desire for me and letting His love in to repair my broken heart.

In addition, I have had the privilege of getting to go each day to work for a church I love doing anything I can do to help further the kingdom for this city. Again, I have been amazingly blessed to interact on the level I have been able to with our pastoral staff, seeing first hand the love, prayers, sweat, and tears they put in each and every day and night to serve our God and our church.

And while I still have my prayer and study time, in a few short weeks my work will be gone, and I am left feeling adrift.

The reasons why I no longer have a position at the church are actually wonderful for our church body and this city. We are about to embark on the long process of renovating a bigger building in a prime location that will allow us to reach so many more people in our area with a message of a glorious God. We will be able to offer our amazing teaching to children and our amazing sermons to hurting and hopeful people at all stages of their walk with Christ.

Seeing this play out as been such a blessing, given the way the process of selling our current building and working on purchasing the new building has gone. It has been a true miracle with God’s hand and grace all over it.

But what that does mean is that some sacrifice is required. For most people in the church body, it might mean a temporary increase in tithing and giving to help fund the building or an increase in volunteering to help make the renovation and eventual opening of the new building an impactful, God-filled experience for every person that walks through those new doors.

For my family, that sacrifice is our immediate financial security. But I know my God is sovereign, He knows our needs, and He will provide. For me personally, that sacrifice is letting go of what I thought God wanted me to do to serve His kingdom so many months ago and walking into the unknown going forward. This one is a little harder for me given my past, a fact that God is so obviously aware of. He knows he has to put me in the middle of my biggest fear in order for me to overcome it.

I don’t know exactly where God is leading me. I do know that He is forcing me to walk away from the safety of a job sitting in my church office, and calling me to jump into a true personal ministry. This is going to require a huge leap of faith from me that quite frankly fills me with terror.

But I am also filled with joy, excitement, and peace.

You can see now looking back that God has been preparing me in so many ways to trust Him and love Him unconditionally, in the midst of extreme pain and uncertainty. I have been forced to my knees so many times this last seven months begging God to carry me, and He has.

So my question from earlier can really be answered in only one way.

My purpose is to continue to prayerfully seek how God wants me to impact His Kingdom, and to be patient in waiting for His answer. And HOW I can serve Him is with complete trust in His plan, His wisdom, His love, His peace, and His strength.

He will show me my path.

I Am Not Afraid

2009-03-07T09:42:00.001-06:00

Nightly for the last month or so, I have been startled awake by a feeling deep in my soul that I needed to pray. At first, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be praying for. I just knew that God wanted me to seek Him and His love with all my heart, in a way I never have “time” to do. He wanted me to seek Him with pure dependency and focus, and with as little distraction as possible. That meant no writing, no bible studies, isolation from friends, and the need to pull back as much as possible from obligations with work and social activities. The experience so moved me that I stopped questioning what exactly I was supposed to be praying over and why I needed to give up so much to do so, and instead just obeyed.

Eventually, as I lay there in obedience, praising God for my salvation, praising God for our innumerable blessings, and thanking God for all the ways He shows me how to be more like Christ each and every day, the answer to the why became clear. As the nights passed, I literally felt God wrapping His arms around me. I felt His presence in a way I simply can not describe. And one night, loud as day, I heard that I NEEDED to pray for protection over my family and our hearts.

In my weak and fleshly nature, I am ashamed to admit that my first emotion was fear. In my heart in that instance, I knew God has been preparing me this last month. Showing me that He is here, that He loves me beyond description, and He will be here with me, no matter what comes. But for a brief moment after I heard that, I was overwhelmed with fear of what might be coming. In my mind, I kept thinking that God wouldn’t take the time to so obviously show me His love, to wrap His words and protection around me, if our world wasn’t about to be shattered.

But in the moments that followed, I realized what I was doing. I was allowing Satan and his lies to weave themselves into my precious moments with God. I was allowing the deceiver to twist this beautiful communion with a God I desperately love into a place of uncertainty and anxiety.

Why did I do that?

Because I spent the majority of my childhood and early adulthood letting past abuse and violence define me, molding me into a scared little girl and a damaged woman who would do anything to please, anything to get anyone to pay attention to her, anything to have someone love her. And then, I spent the last two years of my life letting my sin of adultery define me, molding me into a woman of shame and self-condemnation, one filled with fear of trusting others and God, and one constantly questioning my salvation and my worth.

Well, frankly, I have had enough of that and am so OVER myself.

My sin, my trials and my circumstances DO NOT DEFINE ME.

GOD DOES.

And I have finally learned to believe that these last few months.

I do not know what is to come. It may be joyful. It may be painful. It may pull me out of my comfort zone and force me to walk outside my carefully constructed plan for my life. But whatever it is, I am ready and I AM NOT AFRAID, because my God is with me, therefore who can be against me? (Romans 8:31)

Blessings to you and yours this beautiful and God-given day. I am praying for you.

Taking Inventory

2009-02-13T18:06:00.002-06:00

I believe that there are moments in each of our lives where God reaches down and touches us…a gentle reminder that He is there and he will continue to be there, no matter what comes. Where we are not just reaching up with both hands desperately clinging to His hand for strength and guidance, but where He is also reaching down and caressing our hearts, grasping our hands firmly and securely and pouring His peace into us. These types of encounters affect us so deeply and so profoundly and so personally that it is almost impossible to describe or put into words.

Have you had a moment like that? Where you physically felt in every single part of you heart and soul and body that you are HIS? Where all the distractions and busyness and failures of your life have faded away, and all that is left in that moment is Him holding you and cherishing you and loving you with every part of his being?

I did a few weeks ago, and it left such an impression on me and my walk with God that I know I will never be the same.

I was tasked with writing a “sin” inventory as a result of a conversation with my pastor about how heavy my heart has been lately with events in my life not going as I wanted them to. How I felt like I was in constant battle with my mind and my thoughts, and how I couldn’t seem to find a place of peace and joy in my walk.

At first, I was a little taken aback and puzzled as to why this would be the solution. To be honest, I was hoping he would tell me to go back to counseling or hand me a book to read or tell me about some sermon somewhere to listen to, to get me back on track quickly and easily. I went in seeking counsel, but really all I wanted in return was instant gratification and self-help steps to take. I wasn’t really prepared to be told to take a long, hard look at myself.

I had no idea what to do or how to start. I kept wondering what on earth I would write down. I knew I had sin in my life, but felt like I was pretty aware of it and worked very hard to overcome it. I kept wondering what the point of this was. What real benefit was I going to obtain from taking time out of my busy day to sit down and figure out a list of un-confessed sin? Especially sin that I felt was relatively minor. As long as I was working on it, then I was good. Right??

And then it hit me.

How many times did I just say “I?”

You see, God was gently telling me that this inventory wasn’t going to work if “I” led the analysis and discussion. If “I” sat down and tried to come up with my own list and then tackled it.

Because in my sinful nature, “I” would justify my sin, make excuses for my sin, try to diminish the severity of my sin, and just plain overlook my sin. In fact, that is what I had been doing for a very long time.

These verses also came to mind:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
-Prov 3:5-6

"But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."
-James 1:22-25

The reality is that I needed to let go of my pre-conceived ideas of how I was sinning and seek God’s direction and insight into my sin, not just into my life. And I needed to act on what God was telling me, not just on what I felt I already knew.

And so I lay in my bed for hours, with pen and paper in hand, praying and writing down whatever God told me to write, trusting that He would help me understand what paths I needed to take. I wrote down page after page after page, but oddly, did not feel ashamed. Nor did I feel overwhelmed at the length or even the severity of some of the items…even the ones like allowing apathy and complacency into my daily walk with God.

I felt free.

Because in those precious moments, I could feel how much God loved me, could feel how much joy He wants for me, and knew that the only path I could choose to get there was the path He was laying out for me on those pages. I was able to humbly confess and repent before God, and receive yet again His promise of forgiveness and grace.

My next step will be to humbly confess and repent to a believer who will hold me accountable, because I know very well that leaving any sin un-confessed allows it to continue to be a stronghold that Satan can and will use to deter my walk with God.

Remember that place of joy and peace I had been seeking but had been unattainable so far? It was unattainable because I was in sin, and was allowing that sin to take over my life.

So in closing I encourage each of you to think about how you would answer these questions:

• Have you consistently and wholeheartedly sought God’s counsel in taking inventory of the sin in your life then in turn confessed and repented?

• Are you being honest with yourself and God when it comes to the sin in your life?

• What sin do you have in your life that you are trying to hide or justify?

Remember God's sweet promises to us. No matter what you have done or may still be doing, He is waiting to set you free.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
-Isaiah 43

I love you dearly and am praying for you. Have a blessed week!

A Letter to Myself

2009-02-06T11:00:00.008-06:00

Okay y’all, since I have a ridiculous case of writer’s block that won’t go away and I can’t seem to get what I wanted to write about finished and posted this week, I am going to cheat and do something fun today.

Missy at It’s almost Naptime posted a plea for help this week asking that moms at all stages of life post some tips via a letter to their younger selves. I’ve read a ton of them and I have loved the funny comments, biblical wisdom, and heartfelt advice pouring forth.

But because I am pretty much incapable of being anything other then serious and introspective, I found myself realizing that my letter to me would not be so cheerful. I am now 33 years old (ugh!) with a wonderful 5 year old son and an amazing 7 year old daughter. And until the last two years, I did not know how to love them, nor did I want to know.

So here is my letter to myself, such a short time ago.

Dear Lindsey,

Right now you have no idea what being a mother is, nor do you care. You are more interested in your career and the validation and accolades you receive from your co-workers. You spend each day treating your children like they are merely possessions and get frustrated at the inconveniences they place on your freedom…you have to feed them, bathe them, dress them, take them to school and pick them up. They mess up your day with their disobedience, and constantly want your attention. They take away what little time you have with your husband. You yell at them instead of talk to them, you never play with them, and you hardly ever show them you care. Then you expect them to act like angels in public and with other family so they will not be an embarrassment to you.

You do all that to hide, but would never admit it. You hide your pain, your anguish, and your fear from everyone around you. You use your career and the pretty clothes and the hair and the makeup to mask the turmoil going on inside you every single day. In the deepest depths of your heart you are scared that you will hurt your children physically and emotionally. You are scared because you don’t know how to talk to them or take care of them, because all you knew when you were younger was devastating pain, abuse, violence. You can’t talk to your husband because your controlling nature and emotional instability pushed him away a long time ago, and you are estranged from all your family. You have no real friends and you feel like you have no one to turn to.

But let me tell you something sweet girl. There IS a God, and He DOES love you as you are RIGHT NOW…….scars and heartbreak and sin and failure…and He is waiting for you.

All you have to do is accept Him. And once you do, He alone will make you beautiful.

And after you do that, your next step is to FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Because while you have made plenty of mistakes, one day very soon you will make the only choice that matters...the choice to leave who you are now behind and to follow a glorious God. He will change your life, change your heart, and change your soul. That past you are so ashamed of? That sin you are about to commit? He will use it for good. He will use it to bring glory to His name. He will use it to show you how to teach other people and your children just how amazing He is.

And those children? Your heart will one day break into a million pieces with the overwhelming realization of just how much you love them. And you will finally be able to show them. And you ARE capable of being a good mom, because God "has your back". And it will all be worth it.

Love,
Me

All that to say, that my advice to moms is to put God alone at the center of your heart, at the center of every decision and every heartbreak and every mistake, and He will bless you and keep you and allow you to forgive yourself for the big mistakes and the little ones. It is never too late to leave the past behind and move forward with God!

I love you and am praying for you!

Finding Joy in Him- Letters

2009-01-31T08:23:00.007-06:00

Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries wrote a beautiful post this week titled Prayers that Move the Heart of God that really touched my heart. At the very end, she said:

"Part of embracing His preparations are to pray prayers that make God my focus rather than my circumstances--- Here are a few I've been inspired to pray:

God, despite my circumstances, I will find reasons to praise you.

God, even when I feel disappointed by what life brings, I will trust you to bring good out of bad.

God, no matter what, I will hold on to you and your truths.

God, my deepest desire is for more of you in me. And if that is the desire of my heart, I will never be disillusioned."

This prayer moved me because her words describe one of the only ways I have been able to actively "take my thoughts captive." I am not the best at scripture memorization and do not know the bible well (yet!! I am working on that!!), so one of the ways I try to seek God's beauty and grace in my life is to pray a similar prayer to Lysa's each morning, and then write down throughout my day different ways He has blessed me that help me keep focus on Him.

So, each week on Saturday I will post a few from my list under the “Finding Joy in Him” title, and I invite and encourage you to do the same in the comments. Let's give each other hope and joy in the little and big things in life. Our testimony to each other is another way God shows His power and glory in our lives. Let us actively seek Him out in the mundane busyness of our lives and rejoice in His presence!

Here is one of mine for this week:

I have a basket full of letters and cards from my husband on my bookshelf in my bedroom. Anytime I am struggling with trusting God with something I think is too big and too impossible to get through (or if we get in a silly fight or he is just plain annoying me by leaving his shoes and clothes everywhere for me to trip over!), I re-read them all in chronological order.

From his first sweet letters expressing his undying love for me and my “hotness” and my "really cool smile" umpteen million years ago, to the heartfelt notes detailing how he could not wait for our wedding day, to the exhausted, scribbled “I love you and this baby but I wish she would GO TO SLEEP!” written on napkins, to the devastating years and years where there were no notes at all, and then to the slow trickle of awkwardly chosen cards with just “Love, Josh” at the end, to the precious letter of his offering forgiveness to me, to the hesitant letters pouring out his hopes and fears when we were learning to find our joy in each other again, to the now beautiful notes rejoicing in the renewal of a love that the world and our selfish sin had smashed to pieces but was now restored through God’s love and grace alone.

Reading these letters always puts things back into the right perspective...the God perspective...for me. God is SO faithful, and can truly restore beauty from ashes!

Love you all dearly!

Testing God

2009-01-28T10:52:00.004-06:00

I have wrestled with finding the right words to write for the last few weeks, because I had an encounter with God that was so clear and so powerful that I simply could not put it into words that made any sense.

To understand the magnitude of my experience, I need to give you a little background. While my journey in learning to walk with God has been nothing short of a miracle to most who know me, it has really only been the last eight months or so where my heart has also been fully engaged in the process along with my mind…where I have made a conscious decision to choose to be obedient to God with a pure and joyful heart.

While I walked in obedience for a very long time because I felt it was expected of me and knew in my mind it was the right path to choose, I continued to have a very desperate battle within my heart, which just didn’t seem to want to let go of my old ways, my old thoughts, and my old patterns regarding so many things, but especially trusting a God I could not see yet or feel yet in a concrete and tangible way.

You see, without really realizing it, I had been “testing” God. Slowly and carefully and deliberately giving Him bits and pieces of my broken heart and waiting to see how He would respond, and then measuring my continued trust based on how He performed against my desired outcome, how visible He was to me, and how clearly or loudly I could hear Him.

I desperately wanted the peace and the freedom that comes with truly trusting in God, but I was so afraid to take the final plunge off my imagined platform of control.

As you can imagine, I have waited and waited and waited for that peace for a very long time. It so eluded me that I went to my pastor to talk about my continued struggles and my fears that I was not really moving forward spiritually the way I needed to.

Which leads me back to my encounter with God….it was born out of a simple assignment given to me by my pastor as a result of that conversation. I spent some dedicated time alone with God completing that assignment, and how my eyes were opened is simply amazing.

What I realized a few weeks ago is that my sin of adultery was just the breaking point in my life. The dividing line between who I was then, and who God wanted me to become. I have been stuck in the gap between the two ever since…one foot placed firmly in the pit of my past, and one foot placed firmly in the promise of my future.

I realized that I can’t experience true peace and freedom and walk boldly and confidently into what God has planned for me until I let go of everything that ties me down. I have to place ALL in God’s capable and waiting hands. But I also know that I was not ready to do so until this year and all that has happened to bring me to this point was God's plan...His will in shaping and molding me for my future and inheritance in His kingdom.

I sit here in awe at how easily God can truly move within us, if we just stop, and listen, and open our hearts to what HE has to say. What HE wants on our “list”. Remember, this is my year of WHATEVER. Well, let me tell you…..I asked for it, and boy did I receive. More on that later!!

Please join me over the next few weeks as I talk more about the process of learning to walk in beauty and learning to rest in God’s love.

What Ifs

2009-01-05T07:11:00.010-06:00

I am the queen of what ifs. Every decision I make is usually heavily weighed and thought out and frankly analyzed to death. I'll try and try to figure out every scenario, every possibility, and every risk before I'll take a chosen path.

I of course consult God in this process, but my "consultation" always comes after I have taken all the steps I deem necessary to get me to a point where I feel like I am free to walk up to God, with my options held in hands reaching out to Him. Asking Him to choose one of my carefully laid out thoughts and plans.

This, of course, is about control, and the frantic way I try to hold onto it in any given situation.

As I tried to think out my New Year's resolutions, I kept feeling out of sorts, like I was not on the right path. I always make my 'lists" every year, and for the most part have succeeded in marking off the items on those lists. But as I sat down to make one for this New Year, I kept thinking the same thought...

Could it be that before, I was putting things on those lists that I KNEW I could accomplish, ALONE?

That I knew would be easy, knew would be attainable, knew would bring me a sense of accomplishment and validation?

Something is terribly wrong with that picture.

That something is me.

I have never before felt such an urge to throw away all of my control, and toss my lists, and say

WHATEVER.

WHATEVER, God. Whatever you have for me, I will take it. Gladly and joyfully.

As always, God gets to me by breaking through my wall, hairline fracture by hairline fracture, until I finally "get it".

I realized that the last list I had made was in August. That list contained several things I wanted to accomplish over the next few months as my work and family situation adjusted from my being home to my being back at work part-time. I had a lot of hopes and a lot of dreams on that list. I also felt like my spiritual growth and striving towards God had "paid off" so to speak. Our marriage was pretty stable, my children seemed to be behaving better, we seemed to be connecting as a family, and I had just been handed my dream job.

But very quickly, things started to get harder. My children's challenges at school. Adjusting to the difference between a corporate world and working for my church. My husband's challenges with his job. Threats to friendships, and threats to my marriage. All this happened all at once, and I found myself feeling like those hopes and dreams where being dashed to pieces.

But, amazingly enough, I realized that I am fine with all that. Because God has slowly and surely impressed onto me that those hopes and dreams in August were my hopes and my dreams that I had imagined in a bad case of what ifs.

Not necessarily God's hopes and dreams for me.

Learning His hopes and dreams are forcing me to take a back seat and defer to Him, and to press in to Him and trust Him like never before.

On that note, I have NO IDEA what I will accomplish this year.

I have no list of my own.

But I do know that whatever God has planned for me is being prefaced by His simple question of WHAT IF.

"What if you followed me, wholly and completely and passionately?"

And I have no other choice but to respond to Him, wholly and completely and passionately.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.
-Ephesians 3:20-21

Freedom

2009-01-01T23:33:00.011-06:00

I love God.

I am in awe of the miracles He has worked in my life, and in my marriage, and in my relationship with my children.

I am blessed beyond measure at the job He has provided me, the friends He has brought to me, and all the ways He helps me see His glory day in and day out.

I am humbled a million times a day by how He has held my hand, protected me, guided me, and been so faithful to me during this fight to learn how to trust Him.

But even with all that, I can not say that I have walked fully in freedom these last two years.

It has been easy for me to "take" what God so lovingly and graciously offered...His son, on the cross, dying for my sin. It has been easy to "take" the grace, mercy, love, and joy offered me by those around me.

It has been easy to lob my selfishness, self-righteousness, pride, entitlement, shame, and weaknesses at Him one after the other, all the while saying

take this,

and this,

and this from me.

It has NOT been so easy to give all my pain and anguish to Him caused by those things I had no control over, especially events in my childhood. It's not that I have not forgiven. I have. But when I wake up every morning and pray over the day, one of my constant prayers is still for strength to fight against all the lies Satan tries to get me to fall back into...that I am worthless, of no value, and do not deserve the love or respect of anyone, much less God. That I am foolish to think God could want or use someone as damaged and as insignificant as me to bring glory to His kingdom.

For a few months God has really been working on my heart, showing me that while I believe to my core the truth of who God is to me, I also need to believe to my core the truth of who I am in Christ.

This song was referenced at the end of a letter I received last week, and it really affirmed to me all that God has been laying on my heart lately. "Sunrise" by Nichole Nordemann.

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There’s a moment when
Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

I am overjoyed at the prospect of what is to come this year in my walk and in my faith. Because listening to this song made me realize that I don't have to "give" my childhood to God in order to fully walk in freedom. He already has it, in fact He had it all along and was there all along.

Instead, I can embrace it and cherish it for the lessons it taught me about this sinful world and my own sinful nature, what it taught me about redemption and forgiveness, and what it taught me about the only one I can cling to and depend on...my Father, my Abba. Without those experiences, I would not be who I am in Christ today. We are all so different in our walks, with such a wealth of experiences good and bad to draw from. We have to have those differences and we have to hang on to them, because God will use them someday, somehow to reach another hurting soul.

Who am I to question what I have been through? Who am I to want to discard bits of pieces of me just because they hurt too much? The simple fact is that God ordained my life before I opened my eyes in this world. And He will continue to use those experiences to allow me to show others the absolute devastation and death in my past...and then the absolute glory and life that resulted only after a true relationship with Him.

Psalm 139:16, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be"

Philippians 1:6, “…Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”

My Safe Haven

2008-12-17T20:35:00.011-06:00

Words have always been my safe haven. As a child, words were a way to escape the despair and fear around me and within me. I would check out book after book in the library, and devour them one after the other...so fascinated with the stories of life, love, laughter, family, and acceptance. I would listen to song after song until I knew the words by heart, clinging to the promises of happiness, beauty, and joy in the lyrics.

As I grew older, I started to write. My journals early on where filled with questions like:

"Will anyone ever love me?"
"Where do I fit in?"
"Will I ever be worth anything?"
"Do I matter to anyone?"
"Why is this happening to me?"

Sadly, as a child and throughout most of my life, I never got the answers I was seeking to those questions, no matter how much I searched and no matter what I tried. I was disappointed and disillusioned year after year and heartbreak after heartbreak. I eventually stopped writing because I was tired of pages of the same questions with no answers and no end in sight to my pain and uncertainty.

And when Satan attacked me, he knew exactly how to get to me. He used one of my greatest gifts, something I loved and had missed for so long, and reeled me into sin with them. Words that ensnared me in a web of deception...words that ensnared me into a false world promising value and worth.

In my first counseling session after the affair I was handed a bible. I remember opening the pages and rifling through them, not comprehending what I was reading, and not understanding how this book, filled with its stories, was going to help me. It was just another book to me then. Just a bunch of words that were going to deceive me and disappoint me all over again.

What I can tell you now is that book held every answer I had ever dreamed of receiving. It took me a few months before I started to open my heart and open my eyes to see. But when I did, it was glorious. And each time I have opened that door a little further, more peace and more joy has come pouring in.

And now, my journal finally has answers.

"Will anyone ever love me?"

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
-1 John 4:16

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to
save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his
love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
-Zep 3:17

"Where do I fit in?"

So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God's household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, is growing into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you are also being built together into a dwelling of God in the Spirit.
-Ephesians 2:19-22

Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.
-Romans 15:5-7

"Will I ever be worth anything?"

For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:10-12

But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.'
-Isaiah 43:1-2

"Do I matter to anyone?"

You did not choose me, but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.
-John 15:16

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
-Matthew 11:28

"Why is this happening to me?"

For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake.
-Philippians 1:29

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
-1 Peter 5:10

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name
-Isaiah 45:3

And the most glorious answer of all...
GOD is our refuge and our strength

So once again, words are my safe haven. Only now, the words I cling to are the TRUTH. I so humbly and joyously praise God for loving me, showing me my value, and allowing my true beauty and worth to shine in His name.

Prayers Please for my sweet friend Mel

2008-12-14T06:56:00.005-06:00

My heart is so burdened for my sweet friend Mel. She is such an amazing woman of God....beautiful and sincere and such a true friend. She is real and deep, and so abashedly unashamed to share her love for God and to spread His word in any situation. God brought her into my life at a time when I was ready to give up on this whole "Christian" thing, and used her to gently and lovingly teach me about God. She showed me both by words and by example what it truly meant to shine mercy and grace into a stranger's life, she taught me how to let go and forgive my past, she walked me through my true repentance and saw me at my most broken, then she led me to accept Christ and freedom. Most importantly, she taught me how to trust and savor in God's glory no matter what the circumstances.

Mel's mother had a brain aneurysm a few days ago and has been in ICU on life support and non-responsive ever since. The hard thing about this, despite the obvious, is that her mom has fought cancer for years, and had just gotten some positive news within the last few weeks that a recent treatment was helping her cancer. Mel told me that her mom was giddy with happiness over the news, and I remember thinking that God is so good....to give the both of these women some sweet peace and glorious hope after such a long and hard battle.

When I heard about Mel's mom a few days ago, I was reminded for the first time in a long time of the frailty of my earthly life and the earthly lives of those I love and cherish. I don't understand why this had to happen, and the outcome is still uncertain, and pain and heartbreak is already here and will get worse once Mel's mom is gone.

But the promise of God is that none of us are helpless in times like these....we have the ability and the power to pray endlessly for strength and peace for Mel and her family. We may not understand why this is happening, but I know that God will cradle my beautiful friend and her family in His arms, and use this for good, somehow and somewhere. And I know that while we will mourn, we must also praise God, for His strength and love are eternal.

We love you Mel.

**12/22/08 Update** Mel's mom passed away today. Please continue to pray for Mel and her family during this difficult time and that they can continue to see God and glorify God and love God throughout whatever they face.

Authenticity & Transparency

2008-12-09T17:51:00.002-06:00

One of my key struggles as a new Christian has been learning to live a life that is authentic and transparent. Some may think that is an odd thing for me to say, as I have been known to just lay it all out there…my sin, my struggles, my heartaches, and lately (thankfully!) my joy.

I have to admit at first my openness was born out of habit and out of despair. I have lived a life of desperately wanting anyone to care about me. Wanting anyone to love me. Wanting and continuously seeking everyone’s approval at any cost. So I spilled my guts about anything and everything, often leaving a wake of confusion in others as to what to say to me in response or how to help. I know now that what I thought was being authentic and transparent a few years ago was not….it was simply another means with which I could draw attention to myself and what I felt was my plight. A true victim mentality created by years of abuse, then years of selfishness, and then even more years of my own ignorance; thinking that something or someone of this world could satisfy my desire to be loved.

What I have learned is that only God can satisfy that desire. And He deems me worthy enough to teach me how to share our story in a way that honors Him and only Him. It is my duty and honor to do so…and I am continuously humbled by the fact that I have been given such a beautiful gift.

What I know now is that we are called to live our life out in the open for God’s glory, not hiding behind shadows and sin and struggles, afraid to show our true selves for fear of what people might think.

“but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts
- I Thessalonians 2:4

We are called to go about every aspect of our life…trials, triumphs, pain, fear, happiness, sadness, lack of faith, worry…in a way that glorifies God in plain sight…but only doing so with a motive that is pure and a heart that is sincere. That sole motive in our heart is to glorify God…to show His grace, His love, and His power in our lives.

We are to live in the light of God’s love, and if we are truly transparent and authentic, our lives will be seen as an example of what God can do in us if we only depend on Him.

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible.
-Ephesians 5:8-14

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
-Matthew 5:16

The lyrics to a song called “Stained Glass Masquerade” by Casting Crowns speak so eloquently to this topic:

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

As women, transparency and authenticity can be very challenging to do correctly. We are experts at saying we are “transparent” and “authentic” because we constantly share our lives and our struggles with each other. What we don’t often admit is that sharing is usually limited to topics that enforce the image we want people to perceive us to be.

As women, we are geared to have community, especially with other women. But we can often place an unhealthy amount of importance on things like how we compare to them and their marriages, finances, child-rearing, housekeeping, etc.

So my challenge to you is to really take to heart the last few lines of the song…

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Are you truly living in a way that allows others to see your “realness” and your struggles?

Are you truly living in a way that shows your life transformed by Christ?

Are you encouraging others to transform their lives in Christ by your words, your example, and your faith?

Loneliness

2008-11-16T23:19:00.008-06:00

We are surrounded by women who appear on the outside to have it all. Strong faith. Great home lives. Great husbands and children. An overabundance of friends. Constant parties, get-togethers, and lunch dates with friends. Playgroups. Hearts of servants. Gifts of hospitality, encouragement, faith, prayer, and discernment. These women are looked upon as successful women by all accounts.

But there is a deep struggle conflicting many of these women that often goes unmentioned. That is often stifled and hidden, and frantically and desperately covered up with things like busyness, service, work, marriage, parenting, and lists of “things to do” a mile long.

That struggle is loneliness.

"Loneliness is a feeling of separation, isolation, or distance in human relations. Loneliness implies emotional pain, an empty feeling, and a yearning to feel understood and accepted by someone. Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Loneliness is feeling alone . . . no matter how many people are around you. It is a feeling of being disconnected, unplugged, left out, isolated."”
-Les Carter

This definition is so at odds with what we as women feel we should be. We have the responsibility of being the one that holds everything together…that oh-so-elusive Proverbs 31 woman. We simply don’t “have time” to be lonely, much less admit that we are.

The fact is that being lonely is a real and tangible thing. It can exist when you are alone, scared, and wrestling with sin so dark that you can barely think how to breathe. It can exist when you have lost someone or some place dear…a child, a husband, a friend, a home. It can exist when you feel like your hopes and dreams and prayers remain unanswered. It can exist when your life is full to the brim with family, friends, and activities. It can exist when you are a successful businesswoman, happy homemaker, or strong spiritual encourager. It can happen in any situation and any circumstance.

The fact is that you are not alone, and this struggle is evident in women throughout the bible. Take a look at a snapshot of a few of these women, and see if you see yourself in one or many of them. I know I do.

Hannah (1 Samuel 1: 1-28)
Was the first wife of Elkanah who could not conceive a child. She was greatly loved and cherished, but the custom of the time allowed more then one wife. The second wife was able to conceive and was cruel to Hannah and ridiculed her, which provoked great sorrow and despair in her. She longed for a child and let that longing create a deep sense of loneliness and sorrow.

Naomi (Ruth 1:1-22)
Was Elimelech’s wife. He died and left her alone in Moab with no means of support, no people of her own kind, and no means of material provision. She had no one to turn to in a time of great despair and dire circumstance. She often struggled with fear and bitterness.

The Woman at the Well (John 4: 1-42)
An outcast of her own people, used to being despised and rejected because of her sinful choices.

Abigail (1 Sam. 25:1-42, 27:1-4)
Wife of Nabal, a wealthy and bad-tempered man. She lived with continuous mistreatment and belittlement from him.

Leah (Genesis 29: 1-30)
Older sister of Rachel, whose father overlooked her and did not arrange a marriage for her for years; instead promising Rachel to Jacob. Her initial loneliness was that of an unmarried and unbetrothed woman. Her father then made her the subject of humiliation by marrying her off to Jacob to deceive him. Her loneliness then stemmed from feeling unwanted and unworthy.

Miriam (Numbers 12:1-15)
Esteemed leader and prophetess, but was consumed with jealously and sibling rivalry over her brother Moses. Discontent led to feeling alone even though she has a major part in Mose’s story.

These women in these stories take different paths to overcoming their situations, some successfully and some not. But the key theme in all the stories is the need to focus on God alone to meet all your needs. If you truly have God as your heart’s focus, He will provide all you need. Not relationships, activities, friends, popularity, or even family.

If you are struggling with loneliness, take heart that there is a way to overcome it. But first you need to take a look at where you stand on these topics:

1. How is your relationship with God? Is He your first thought and praise in the morning and last thought and praise at night? Is He your first and constant source of strength, courage, wisdom, and love throughout your day? No matter what your circumstances are? Are you joyful and certain of your place in God's Kingdom in the midst of trials and triumphs?

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever . . .
As for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
-Psalm 73:23-26, 28

2. How are your relationships with others? Are you reaching out in sisterly love to those you see hurting, or alone, or afraid? Are you stepping out of your comfort zone to risk saying “Hi” and seeing where that will lead? Or are you staying within your circle of friends, content with familiarity, and in doing so missing out on the possibility of impacting a life?

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:1-4

3. How is your relationship with yourself? Are you holding on to a past sin or multitude of sins and letting that shame color and inhibit your interactions with those around you? Are you projecting your own self-doubt and self-condemnation and little things you don’t like about yourself onto others’ actions and words and alienating yourself?

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
-Romans 8: 1-2

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
-Galatians 2:20

I love you dearly sisters. Please know that my prayer for each of you is that we can break free from these bonds of superficiality and loneliness and truly start stepping into and illuminating the lives of those women around us.

Update on Ryan

2008-11-14T09:37:00.004-06:00

We have not had the same experience we had the first night with the drugs. Praise God because that is not an experience I would ever wish on anyone.

Ryan has calmed down at night and is doing fantastic at school, which is amazing and we are very thankful for. His teachers are shocked at the change and keep saying how wonderful it is that they can now see my sweet boy shining through and being able to focus and interact.

A few concerning side effects and issues...he has lost all interest in any physical activity (running around, playing outside, etc), continues to lose interest in eating, and he is scared beyond description to actually take the pill. Lots of fighting taking it, crying, and getting inconsolably scared (he is afraid he is going to choke). Takes us an average of 45 minutes each morning to get him to swallow it.

We are working with the doctor to try and find an alternative medication today that we can open and sprinkle over food so he doesn't have to swallow a pill. Our concerns with that are Ryan's potential reactions to a different medication.

We are also talking with children's hospital to see if they have anyone there that can help teach him how to swallow the pill in a fun manner to help alleviate some of his fear.

We appreciate and covet your prayers! Have a blessed day-

Ryan

2008-11-12T05:08:00.011-06:00

I was sent this verse yesterday and it really tapped into exactly how I feel right now when it comes to Ryan:

"Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord, lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children"
Lamentations 2:19

The context of the email was about praying for your children throughout the day and the context of that verse is about Jerusalem's fall. At first, I thought is was an odd choice of a verse to impact me in such a way over my situation. But as I read more, I realized that Lamentations is also talking about the suffering of believers who are being lovingly disciplined by God, and how to persevere through those trials..something I already know A LOT about.

It looks like I needed a gentle reminder that a believer's suffering isn't just about struggling through sin and selfish choices..something else I know A LOT about.

A believer's suffering is also about struggling through making sound, biblical decisions hoping to impact your life and your children's lives for the better...enabling yourself to leave that amazing legacy for them that comes from a life lived for God. It is also about learning to trust God with my entire life and all my choices for myself and my family going forward, not just trusting Him to forgive and redeem my past.

What touched me about this particular verse is that it is ok for me to feel the way I am feeling right now regarding Ryan. I am so heartbroken over my son. I have literally been on my knees begging for some direction regarding his ADHD and that we could make the "right" decision and not just "give in" to what everyone thinks we should do to make his behavior more socially acceptable.

We know we have already tried behavior modification, structure, and diets over the last 1 1/2 years, and none of that has really worked. We have been told that in addition to some other challenges he is one of the severest cases they have seen in awhile. We chose to try medication, because in the end, we just want him to have some peace and control over his body, and we want him to be able to function enough to enjoy his days and not feel like he is constantly in trouble and not liked by anyone (he tells me this every day). All to say that we had an absolutely horrible, traumatic and heartbreaking first day on medication. It was so bad that all I could think was "this is supposed to be helping him?"

And we have to do it all over again today, and we still don't know if this is the answer.

Lamentations 3 later says:

21 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
24 "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him."

So I am up "pouring my heart out" to my friends and to my God on this "new morning". I so desperately need a sign that we are doing the right thing...but even through the trials and uncertainty and suffering I KNOW that God is here. And we so desperately need your prayers over our family, especially my sweet boy.

Who's REALLY in Control?

2008-11-06T17:29:00.003-06:00

Dear Friends,

For months now my email Inbox has been besieged by nearly hysterical warnings about what will happen if Barack Obama becomes President. I have been encouraged to be worried, afraid, concerned, prepared for disaster, and a whole host of other maladies if this happens. I do not deny the importance of this election, but it seems to me that we need a dose of perspective. So here, on the eve of the election, I would like to start my own email concerning this election. It's a "True/False" test. I'd like for all of us to take it. Feel free to email it on to whomever:

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, Jesus will still be King.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, our responsibilities as Christians will not have changed one iota.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the greatest agent for social change in America will still be winning the hearts and minds of men and women through the gospel, not legislation.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, my primary citizenship will still be in this order - (1) the Kingdom of God, (2) America, not vice-versa.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the tomb will still be empty.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the cross, not the government, will still be our salvation.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, our children will still be more concerned with whether or not we spend time with them than with who is President.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, my neighbor will still be my neighbor, and loving him/her will still be the second greatest commandment. (Do you know the first?)

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the only way to see abortion ultimately overturned will still be winning men and women to a high view of life through the gospel of Christ.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the only way to see gay marriage ultimately defeated will still be winning men and women to a biblical view of marriage through the gospel of Jesus Christ.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, my retirement will still not match my treasure in Heaven.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, "Jesus Is Lord" will still be the greatest truth in the Universe.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, we will still know that God is in control.

How did you score?

So be sure to vote, but also remember who you are and who He is.

Wyman Richardson
Pastor, First Baptist Church
Dawson, Georgia
pastorwyman@windstream.net

Prayers Please

2008-11-02T20:54:00.005-06:00

It has been a rough few months and is not over yet. Please pray for discernment for Josh & I in the challenges we are still facing and the immediate decisions we have to make with our son, his ADHD, and his school situation.

Psalms 73:26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

Isaiah 12:2 Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.

2 Samuel 22:33 God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.

Psalms 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

A View Through Sarah Palin’s Eyeglasses

2008-10-29T20:25:00.005-05:00

***Another awesome devotional...I read A LOT :0). This one really spoke to me on a personal level, as I feel like a lot of women struggle with this, especially the part I put in bold. It really reinforces what I have been studying the last few weeks. In fact, some of the verses I was studying included Luke 18:42, which you will notice is the verse in the devotional. From my studying I have been writing several posts at once, and will post them throughout November.

Those topics, in order, will be on Loneliness, Transparency, Authenticity, and Freedom. And yes, for those of you who know me and my rambling really well, I started writing and wound up with three pages with all those topics, so I thought it would be best to split it all up so as not to bore you all to death or make you go cross-eyed while trying to read it all at once :0). On that note...***

A View Through Sarah Palin’s Eyeglasses
Kelli Regan, She Speaks! Graduate (Proverbs 31 Blog)

“Jesus said to him, ‘Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.’” Luke 18:42 (NIV)

In the midst of the media storm surrounding the upcoming elections, there’s one news item you may have missed. An economic crisis is upon us—and Sarah Palin is at the center of it. What’s the cause of this crisis I’m talking about? Her glasses.

In less than one month’s time Sarah has become a household name. Everyone has an opinion about her. But whether you’re Republican, Democrat or Independent, there’s one issue regarding the vice presidential nominee on which the majority agrees. We love her glasses! I suppose not since Ben Franklin invented bifocals have spectacles captured our fancies so.

Women (and even men) are flocking to their opticians in search of Governor Palin’s Kawasaki 704 series designer specs. In less than two weeks, the Japanese company that manufactures the $375 frames received 9,000 global orders. That’s more than they normally produce in a year! I’m no economic analyst but there’s no way supply can meet that demand.

According to Governor Palin’s optician, she selected her now-famous frames from hundreds of choices. I’ve worn glasses almost my entire life and know what a difficult decision this is! After much searching she selected just the right pair for her—and the rest, as they say, is history.

I imagine many of those buying frames like Mrs. Palin’s will later regret their purchase. Something about their new glasses will look “off.” Maybe the frames won’t flatter their face shape, match their personality, or complement their coloring or hairstyle. Why? Because eyeglasses simply aren’t an off-the-shelf purchase. One size does not fit all.

Sometimes we do this with our faith. We see movers and shakers in our church, in our favorite ministry, or in our Bible study who appear to have it all going on. They glow under the spotlight, and we think they must know or have something we don’t because…well…just look at them. So we not only admire their godly ways, we try to emulate them as well—we try to “wear” their faith. We might try to copy how they pray, or worship, or talk, or sing, or have devotions, and so on. But when we do, something doesn’t fit quite right.

That’s because nothing is more one-of-a-kind than our walk with the Lord. While we can learn from our Christian brothers and sisters, we can’t order up elements of their walk to accessorize our own. To do so is to lose sight of what God wants from us more than anything: our individual devotion focused on Him. He wants us to love Him with a sincere faith that’s custom-made with our own unique personality, passion, experiences and gifts.

Have you been borrowing someone else’s faith? Do you want to be custom-fit with a prescription of your own? Go to Jesus, the One who gives sight to the blind. And when He asks, “What do you want me to do for you?” respond, “Lord, I want to see.” (Luke 18:41)

As popular as they are today, Sarah Palin’s glasses will become yesterday’s news. While much of our attention is fixed on who will lead our country come January, we must remember politicians come and go. But there is one leader who has, does and will stand the test of time: Jesus. As we set our sights on the future, let’s never forget on whom we need to fix our gaze. And let’s offer Him our one-of-a-kind devotion.

Dear Lord, I give you my heart. Open my eyes so I may see and help me stay focused on You as the ruler of my life and the hope of my eternal future. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Reflections:
Have you been striving to mimic aspects of someone else’s walk instead of developing your very own?

Are you caught up in the popularity of your faith more than the sincerity of it?

Power Verses:
Ephesians 2:18-19, “Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.” (NIV)

The Isolation Chamber

2008-10-26T08:15:00.003-05:00

**My devotional for today. I thought it was fantastic and wanted to share! Did I mention before that every devotional I have received in the previous month was about forgiveness, and now I am getting bombarded with ones about waiting on God? Funny how God works :0)**

The Isolation Chamber
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1 by Os Hillman
Sunday, October 26 2008

"Be still and know that I am God...." Psalm 46:10

There is a time and place in our walk with God in which He sets us in a place of waiting. It is a place in which all past experiences are of no value. It is a time of such stillness that it can disturb the most faithful if we do not understand that He is the one who has brought us to this place for only a season. It is as if God has placed a wall around us. No new opportunities--simply inactivity.

During these times, God is calling us aside to fashion something new in us. It is an isolation chamber designed to call us to deeper roots of prayer and faith. It is not a comfortable place, especially for a task-driven workplace believer. Our nature cries out, "You must do something," while God is saying, "Be still and know that I am God." You know the signs that you have been brought into this chamber when He has removed many things from your life and you can't seem to change anything. Perhaps you are unemployed. Perhaps you are laid up with an illness.

Most religious people live a very planned and orchestrated life where they know almost everything that will happen. But for people in whom God is performing a deeper work, He brings them into a time of quietness that seems almost eerie. They cannot say what God is doing. They just know that He is doing a work that cannot be explained to themselves or to others.

Has God brought you to a place of being still? Be still and know that He really is God. When this happens, the chamber will open soon after.

Advent Conspiracy

2008-10-24T11:38:00.008-05:00

I know it is only October, but I figured Christmas decorations are already out for sale so why not post this now?!?! I have been doing some research on how to make Christmas more meaningful for our family, and how to teach our kids to carry on traditions that move from "consumerism" to "giving".

I am not saying don't buy presents, but really think about what you are buying, the quantity you are buying, and why you are buying it...and filter those decisions through a biblical perspective. Are you glorifying God with that purchase? Are you teaching your children to be more like Christ, give to others and focus on things "not of this world" with that purchase? Hard questions, I know. It is a challenge to live in this world without wanting all that media tells us we need, and without feeling like we have to have those things in order to live up to others' expectations. The reality is that we need to live up to Christs' expectations alone.

In light of that, we as a family have made a commitment moving forward to spend money on Christmas on thoughtful, individualized gifts that promote family or neighborly care, togetherness, and bonding, and are also starting traditions of serving in and giving to our community as a family (I'll have a post on that in a few weeks with ideas that are family friendly).

While researching, I came across this site and video and wanted to share. Great video, website, and tips on how to put Christ back in Christmas.

While I'm Waiting

2008-10-22T15:52:00.011-05:00

We have felt for several months now a desire and strong pull towards taking that next step with our story, and continuing to share what God has done in our lives, and proclaiming what He can do in others' lives.

Josh & I have talked a lot about this, and three things had to happen for both of us first.

1. OBEDIENCE- the complete surrender and commitment from each of us to serve, love, and obey God

2. BEAUTY AND JOY- the restoration and reconciliation of our marriage and our family

3. GRACE- the willingness to forgive ourselves, each other, and the "other man" from our story

We are now on the other side of that, and are so thankful. That does not mean everything is perfect...we still struggle with sin and selfish desires and doubt just like everyone else.

We know that we will never be "perfect", and our life-long pursuit of God will always weed out our imperfections and encourage us to keep growing and becoming more like Christ with every breath.

We know that we will never "know" everything from a doctrinal standpoint..that we must seek out knowledge with a pure and open heart, and soak up that knowledge like a flower blooming soaks up the sun.

What we do not know is what that next step looks like, and we have not really "heard" a clear answer from God yet. He is being silent right now, which is another act of faith for us...trusting that He will use us as HE sees fit, which may not necessarily turn out to be the way we envision.

So...we are waiting...and waiting. But our hearts are happy and our minds are focused. We of all people KNOW God is here, God is present, and God will lead us.

On that note, here is an awesome song about how we should wait. It is from the movie Fireproof- which if you have not seen....GO SEE IT!!!!! CALL ME AND I WILL BABYSIT YOUR 18 KIDS FOR YOU FOR FREE. NO EXCUSES!!!

Enjoy, and we love you all!

Forgiveness

2008-10-14T18:44:00.004-05:00

Awhile ago someone caused me great harm, both emotionally and spiritually. I have been unable to forgive this person for a very long time and have spent a lot of time recently in prayer over my willful disobedience to the command of my Father to love even those who harm us, my unwillingness to forgive, my desire for vengeance, and my deep anger. I have known for awhile that all of these things have been a huge obstacle to my continued faith and my spiritual growth.

The other day I heard some unfortunate news about that person, and my very first reaction was sorrow and empathy for the situation they and their family are now facing.

Almost simultaneously, my second reaction was to start crying huge tears of relief. Because it hit me that God had, once again, intervened and healed me from something I have been giving up to Him for several months, uttered with the same constant prayer over and over... "I can not do this on my own...this is too hard and my heart is too hardened. Please give me the strength and grace to forgive."

So while I will never forget the damage done to me by this person and the hurt that ensued, I can finally accept that they were just as "damaged' as I was then, and freely and willingly offer them the same grace that I have so abundantly received. I can feel sorrow over their struggles and challenges, rejoice in their triumphs, and pray for their family with all the love I have in me with a true and sincere heart.

I can let go of the details of what happened, and instead focus on sharing how God used that damage and hurt to bring me to my knees, to break me into a million pieces, and then to slowly piece me back together into His child, His creation, and His princess.

I am so thankful for that, and truly feel like I can move forward with joy and peace. Praise God!

Labels

2008-10-06T20:06:00.007-05:00

My son is about to be diagnosed with ADHD.

We prayerfully agonized for months over what steps to take next in regards to his unique challenges, and finally took action when he started having severe problems at school again. According to the play therapist, the symptoms he exhibits are so classic and so textbook that I couldn't help but be frustrated at myself for waiting so long to seek outside help.

Part of me has struggled with failure and fear for so long. Wondering all this time if he inherited this behavior, impulsiveness, and lack of control from me-- I have my own history of a troubled childhood and troubled behavior, and some of the ways my son copes with things are so like me it is eerie.

Or was it his environment...did the seeds of doubt and insecurity start in his sweet little mind because of the constant instability and fighting going on between Josh & I when he was younger? Did I make it worse by not being able to connect with my children early on- by not knowing how to nurture them? Was it what we feed him? Lack of strict discipline? Lack of structure, or lack of close family or lack of WHATEVER?? Had we provided him such a chaotic and traumatic childhood that he felt like his only way to deal with things was to act out or shut down??

In a way, it is some small relief that this is chemical imbalance issue. To me, it is a sigh of relief that we have not damaged him beyond repair by the unstable environment and mistakes we made early on. And it gives me energy to have a course of action and faith that I will get the help I so desperately need to help him in turn.

I am also scared for my child, and scared for what that label will bring him in the world. The world can be a cruel place with little understanding or compassion for those that don't "fit the mold", especially those that can function in an acceptable and appropriate way most of the time.

It has occurred to me during my prayers that the past year and a half of dealing with his behavior has grown me as a mother and a wife and a friend. If he had been diagnosed earlier, I would not be where I am today. I would not have as much compassion and empathy and God-centered wisdom as I do now. And I would not have been able to handle this with courage and strength. I would have had no God to turn to to remind me that we are all uniquely, beautifully, and wonderfully made for a purpose.

The constant struggle to reign my son in, to bring him back from that ledge, over and over, has taught me more about patience and unconditional love then I care to admit. I have also been taught lovingly and firmly by our Father the value and necessity of discipline, which has always been a challenge for me given my childhood. I love my boy with all my heart and soul, and love how God continues to mold me and open my eyes to the beauty of my child.

So while he will have the "label" of ADHD placed on him, the only labels that matter to me when it comes to my son are these:

Loving
Kind
Funny
Energetic
Full of Life
Helper
Sincere
Compassionate
Joyful
Sweet
Loud
Expressive
Serious
Creative
Analytical

He is my God-given gift, and I am so blessed to call him my son.

Safe In My Arms

2008-09-27T18:39:00.016-05:00

A few days ago, my son crawled into bed with me at about 5am. Normally, I take him back to bed immediately, but my baby has had a rough few weeks adjusting to school with my going back to work and had not been sleeping well, and I wanted some quiet time with him.

That day, I had awoken early to pray. I was really throwing everything I could away to God-- especially my sense of failure as a parent. I was literally begging for some peace and discernment.

When my son crawled into bed, he wrapped his arms around me, and said "safe in your arms". I say "safe in my arms" to my kids all the time while hugging them, and to hear my son say that to me for the first time was so sweet. All my insecurities as a parent melted away as I cradled my child in my arms. As I prayed over him and his heart, prayed over his day and his fears, I felt so incredibly bound to him. And while I was laying there, this verse came to mind:

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you
Isaiah 66:13

I couldn't help thinking that this must be what God feels when we fall on our faces before him. When we throw all that the world expects of us out the window and crawl into His lap, and say "safe in your arms".

He rejoices in us putting all our trust in Him, and wants us to not only "know" but FEEL to our core how intensely and fiercely He loves us. How much He wants for us. How much patience and kindness and mercy and joy He has for us and because of us.

I so want to teach my children to obey me, to learn from me, and to grow with me. I know Josh feels the same way.

But God has been gently reminding me that the one true responsibility I have as a parent is to teach them to obey God, to learn from God, and to grow with God first. I need to teach them how to crawl into His lap and seek safety in His arms. As long as Josh & I strive towards that goal, and as long as they know that we love them just as fiercely and unconditionally, we have not failed as parents.

Because in the end, it won't matter if they always listened to us, if they always took the path we wanted them to choose, if they always made the right decisions...as long as we teach our children to love and obey God, they too will be covered by His grace and His love.

Praise God for answering this prayer so quickly, and using my sweet boy as an example and an avenue with which to give me the peace and discernment I had just asked for moments before. I am so thankful.

Letting Go

2008-09-19T16:52:00.014-05:00

When I first start reading a book called "Sexual Healing", the introduction from the author had a paragraph that stated:

"The wonderful end to the story is that I found God, and He did restore me to normalcy, and more. He restored my innocence. Though I still have a mind that can remember what happened, God has given me the pure and sensitive spirit of a child who has never known corruption."

The author had lived a life filled with sexual addiction, immorality, perversion and prostitution, and was finally finding peace and restoration through Jesus Christ alone.

I stopped reading then, because while I knew I had found God and could sense His presence in my life and my heart, I also knew that I still could not grasp that sense of normalcy, nor have I regained that sense of innocence. This has been very hard for me, because part of me feels like I should be healed by now. Part of me has been frustrated that all this time with God has done little to address the deeper and darker demons of my past.

I am slowly understanding that the harsh reality is that I have not let God in to this area of my life. It has been easier for me to deal with my marriage and my kids and my work and my heart in terms of coming to know who God is. I have taken accountability for my choices and my sin, and know that my past attributed to those choices. But dealing openly with the actual reality of sexual abuse is a different beast. Dealing with the actual reality that I have hidden pain so deep for so long, that I often succumb to Satan's lies that I deserved it and that I am still unworthy, no matter what God's word says, is often too dark and too tainted to admit.

I know that just knowing who God is and recognizing it is not enough. I can't give part of me to God, and withhold the rest..the hurt, the pain, and the rage... because I don't want to go there. God needs to be my everything, even in the parts I don't want to remember.

All this to say that I have been dealing heavily with anger for awhile now. I for so long have put myself as the mediator in all my relationships. Always trying to smooth the waves, make peace, and make everyone happy. I am so bad about this that I often take on all the blame for any given situation just to get past the moment and move on and to avoid the confrontation.

Here is the truth. I am allowed to get angry, allowed to feel pain and hurt, and allowed to grieve over harm I have caused and harm that has been done to me. Even though I did play a part in sinful situations, I am allowed to give that to God, as only He can bring me peace.

I am just now embarking on this journey of really wrestling with my past and my anger. And I am not going to be able to play nice and wear the pretty smile while I am doing it. I can't pretend to be the strong Christian all the time for fear of letting people down. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I can't lay my demons to rest without a lot of screaming and raging first. Permanent healing will never come as a result of an act of my willpower or good intentions...it will only take place once I allow the power of God to work in every part of me.

So please keep me in your prayers. My constant hope and prayer is that I can come out of this knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is perfect love, and that I can one day regain that innocence through His love.

Video of Our Testimony

2008-09-17T07:51:00.004-05:00

Finally posted (see Our Story). Special thanks to Kevin Bowling for working so hard to get it to view. Enjoy!

Ugh. Enough Already!

2008-09-16T01:22:00.004-05:00

I'm thinking I have enough material to have a spiritual warfare post at least every other minute this past few weeks. I will **try** to be succinct and concise and keep this post under 2000 words. :0)

Prayers would be appreciated please...we have had everything from

*sister issues (her rather abrupt and sudden marriage is now on the rocks)
*mom issues (lonely and lost)
*in-law issues (don't you dare put my grandson on drugs- his issues are because you can't control him...i.e. you are the crappiest parent on the face of the earth, NOT because he is probably ADHD and some other cool acronyms for different behavioral disorders)
*work issues (did I really make the right decision to go back, even though my job is a blessing beyond belief and for the Kingdom?? That is good, right? Did I misinterpret what God wanted me to do?)
*Josh work issues (another blessing beyond belief, but his job is SO demanding and in such a different environment)
*house issues (most of you know I am OCD about cleaning, and it is driving me nuts that I suddenly don't have time to clean my grout with a toothbrush or dust my ceiling fans or hand wash my tile...I know, I need more therapy!)
*homework battles (seriously, did I suddenly lose all sense of intelligence when I came home? Since when can I not figure out a simple math worksheet so I can explain it to my daughter?)
*discipline issues (why can't my sweet boy get a grip and follow the rules? Does my daughter seriously have to debate with me about everything from the color of her underwear to how to write the date on her homework page to how I should do laundry? No, I am NOT kidding!)

I can't help but be amazed at how hard Satan throws all these little things at us to sway us from being focused on God. We get so wrapped up in all these details,all these little fires to put out, that it is hard to step away from all the busyness of trying to do the right thing day to day, trying to be a good friend and mother and wife, trying to alleviate others' fears and frustrations and pain. Because if I am not careful and prayerfully throwing my own fears and insecurities to God each and every morning as well as my friends and families, I start feeling overwhelmed, then like I can't handle it all, then like I am an awful wife, mother, friend, co-worker. When in reality that is far from the case. I just struggle through sometimes, like everyone else.

So I am up at 2am, reading and praying to reclaim my joy and peace.

And blogging, because that of course is one of my passive aggressive ways of asking for help and prayers!

P.S. (Bad Mom Thought of the Day)

2008-09-11T19:15:00.007-05:00

Is it really really really bad that my first reaction was RELIEF when my son's school placed call # 10,001 for the week to tell me I needed to pick him up because he had a 100 fever??!!!??

NOT because he was acting crazy, running around the room, rolling around during circle time, talking in baby talk, refusing to eat, crawling on the floor pretending to be a dog, saying he didn't know English so couldn't answer questions, barking instead of talking when asked a question, refusing to participate in class, refusing to play with friends, throwing toys, slamming doors, bouncing off the walls, peeing on the wall in the bathroom, sticking toys in his nose, etc etc etc??!!!???

I thought we were SO over this behavior. Lord help me. :0)

Transformation

2008-09-11T18:02:00.013-05:00

I laughed hysterically and with quite an amount of ridicule when my counselor reminded me of this passage almost 2 years ago.

1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

1 Peter 3 1-6

I had heard and been told the passage before, and was frankly tired of hearing it. I reminded her quickly that I had been doing exactly that for years, and it was never going to work.

Seriously...How delusional was I to think I was modeling a biblical wife with my constant control issues, tearful breakdowns, refusing to let my husband lead, cutting criticism, and oh yeah...the affair. Not even close!!!

Rejoice with me friends.....because my amazing husband has finally, finally, finally come to know God and the glory of salvation. I have been blessed to see in my lifetime a transformation of someone I love dearly and actually see an answer to a long-awaited prayer.

My process was heart-breaking pain, turmoil, and tears. Explosively emotional and volatile. I fought and fought and fought against it-- refusing to let go of any shred of control. Refusing to stop playing the victim. Refusing to walk through the door, where God was standing waiting for me.

When I finally broke down about a year after the affair, and truly repented, truly understood the damage I had chosen to do, truly cried with pain at the damage I had done to my relationship with my Father, not just over the pain of consequences I still suffer through, and stopped blaming my past and others for my decisions, it was so cathartic and peaceful. And the first time I truly felt at rest and at peace with my past, present, and my future. I just was. A child of God, stripped naked to my core by pain and suffering and sin, then fully clothed again with and covered by God's love and wonder.

It has been such a different process for my husband. He often says he can not even claim to understand the depth of my pain, the depth of the horror of my past, the depths that I often have to climb out of every single day still clinging to God's hand like a child, begging for release from my demons.

For him, he has said, it was a more thoughtful process born of reflection and of example. His change came when he finally stopped insisting that my sin was worse then his. When he sat at a retreat listening to 3 days of sermons, and realized that I had told him everything covered in that retreat in the past year, over and over, and quietly, and firmly, and LOVINGLY, and SUBMISSIVELY. When He came home and told me that his change was partly God calling on his heart with the amazingly long list of provision and grace that has been showered on us during this time, combined with my example.

My husband has his own demons for sure-- but his lack of extreme tragedy in his life gives him enough room and enough empathy to deal with his issues AND mine. His steadfast and constant faith tempers my wild swings between faith and despair. His constant refusal to let me drown in my sorrow yet again and his steady hand and heart now help me keep my focus on God, and help me feel safer then I have ever felt in my life. He loves me as God loves me- unconditionally.

My sweet husband was baptized on August 31 by one of our dear pastors. My sweet husband then baptized me. I was so overwhelmed with joy and amazement at just how good God is. How He fulfills His word and His promises. How He takes the darkness and makes it light. And how my husband, who was once so distant from me I thought I would never see his joy and laughter again, that I would never breathe in his love, feel his love when he walked into the room and saw me, that I would never see his repentance and salvation.....he is saved. And he would have none of anyone but him baptizing his girl. His wife. His love. How glorious it is to be in a marriage knowing I am exactly where I belong, that I am his and he is mine, and we will now stand firm in and rejoice in our faith TOGETHER.

I love you baby!

I Need Parenting 9-1-1 Please!!!

2008-09-05T18:03:00.002-05:00

I did an amazing bible study by Beth Moore called "Breaking Free" over the summer with my dear friend Melissa. One of the last chapters involves listing out lies you believe about yourself, and finding scripture to memorize and/or carry with you that will help you "wallpaper" your mind in order to combat that lie every time you think it.

These past few months, I have had the joy of being able to let go of so many issues and lies from my past with God's helping hand. I am so thankful for that, and want to give credit where credit is due. Our God is amazing, and can truly wipe away our fears and frustrations!!!

However, I am writing today about an issue that I am still struggling mightily with, and would appreciate your prayers over. Specifically, the issues I am having when comes to being a mother to my two precious children. I love them desperately- but often feel like I have a hard time relating to them, teaching them, and knowing how to express my love to them. I feel like we are in constant battle.

The first lie I had written down was "I can not effectively discipline my children without anger." The second was "I have not been equipped nor can I learn to be a good mother."

I have oodles of verses that I keep with me and read often. But lately I have been feeling like the only way to get through to them is to get angrier and louder. No amount of nice, kind, encouraging, rational mom seems to work with them. I feel like I can not control them. I feel like their behavior is a direct reflection of my lack of parenting skills. I feel like I am not equipped by and tied down by my upbringing- with no real examples to follow and no real practical advice.

I am at a loss as to what to do next and I am getting too frustrated, too upset, and too down on myself when things don't go right with the kids. I do not want them to remember me as the mom who yells at them sometimes, is constantly corrected them out of frustration, and never has any fun with them. I want to learn how to enjoy teaching them and I want to help them learn how to enjoy learning from me. I want them to know this is an adventure we are taking together, but I can't seem to express that to them in a way they understand or remember. I know how important nurturing, kindness, and joy is to a child, but that doesn't seem to work when it comes to getting my children to listen and respect our authority as their parents.

I have been so blessed these last few years with beautiful friendships- awesome ladies who have been so patient, and kind, and non-judgmental. Who have listened to me with open hearts. Who led me quietly and firmly to the truth. Over and over and over again, until one day I finally got it.

So please, ladies...moms, teachers, grandmothers, ANYONE! Let me have it with some truth! And practical advice. I am dying over here :0)

How do you combat anger with your children?

How do you remind yourselves that they are a blessing?

How do you teach "around" their personalities? (Especially those of you with kids that have challenges with impulsiveness, not thinking through actions, hyperactivity, etc)

My Beautiful Mother

2008-09-05T17:52:00.003-05:00

My sister and I grew up in a childhood filled with violence and abuse. We would watch my mom, Angela, suffer through such severe beatings that she could barely function for herself for days afterward. We were in constant fear for her life and ours, and were told repeatedly that she and we were worth nothing and never would be.

I KNOW in my heart that my mom never intended for us to be in those situations and have never condemned her for them. She grew up wanting the dream...the nice husband, the money, the house, and the kids. But she has her own terrible childhood filled with abandonment and neglect, which she allowed to lead her into making several decisions that were not the best.

Looking back, I remember her tears, her frustrations, and her repeated attempts to leave these men and find a new life. I remember her despairing in the only way she knew how to express herself....beautiful and heartbreaking poetry, which was her only outlet. She would hide these poetry journals, and I was always fascinated to find them and read the pain in my mom's heart. Unfortunately, my mom couldn't seem to break the cycle of abusive boyfriends and/or stepfathers she brought into our lives, and still struggles to this day with relationships and debilitating loneliness.

I want to clarify right here that I love my mom dearly. It breaks my heart that she is still in so much pain, and that I can not reach her. She dismisses my faith as something that will never "work" for her, and dismisses my transformation into a creature of God as solely an act of my strong will...a self-help step so to speak. She does not understand that me and my plans had nothing to do with that process. My salvation came about solely by being broken into so many pieces so many times I couldn't find them all again, and finally gave up trying to put me back together by myself. I found God was the only way.

So please pray for my mom. She is so lost and feels so alone right now.

Please God, help her see your glory and feel your loving arms around her. Help her let go of her self-condemnation, and please allow her to see just how much you love her and always have. Please give her the peace that comes with knowing she is yours, and yours alone. An that only you can make her whole again.

Guest Blog from Josh

2008-08-27T22:09:00.009-05:00

When my wife started this blog I couldn't figure out how or why she got sucked into spilling her guts for everyone on the web to read. As I read Lindsey’s posts, however, I decided that at some point I needed to chime in.

Those of you who know our story know that the Lindsey you see and hear from today is not the same person I met 13 years ago or even the same person I was married to 2 years ago. Yes, she was just as beautiful back then, but inside, she was distant, hurt, alone, and scared... I still fell in love with her though, as God had plans for us.

Why is it that in life we often go from point A to point B by taking the longest path possible? Lindsey and I took the long path. We got married young. We had kids young. We took nearly 12 years to graduate college! In our sinful nature, we nearly ruined everything.

What people don’t realize about sin is that there are long term effects. By the grace of God alone, we have come through some very dark times. I stand before you today with an amazing family, an amazing wife, and some amazing friends. Yet, some past issues will stick with us as a reminder for a while. We'll continue to fight through those things with God's helping hand.

I hope you enjoy the writings and musings of my wife. I am! She is amazing and she has been made even more radiant through His love. I love you Lindsey.

Side Note- Fly Me To The Moon

2008-08-26T08:28:00.005-05:00

Just a side note so you all know I am also a complete dork and not so serious all the time...

I took the kids to see "Fly Me To The Moon" which is a kids cartoon about flies hitching a ride to the moon during the famous American space mission.

I started crying hysterically when they panned behind the cute little cartoon fly characters sitting on the window of the spaceship, where they were looking at the view of the Earth and all the millions of stars. It was such a beautiful symbol of us being so small, and God being so big. I am sure that is exactly what the cinematography/artist was trying to achieve with that shot :0) And I know I am ruined for God now- when I can find God's beauty in something as silly as a cartoon!!! It was a great teachable moment for the kids as well, they talked about it all day and spent the day trying to list everything that they saw God in.

Have a great day!

Gratitude

2008-08-26T08:25:00.005-05:00

I started a new job at my church last week, and I have been overwhelmed and humbled with just how much God has honored my prayers. It is amazing to me how much difference there can be with God as the center in a marriage, a heart, a family in just a short time. On top of that, God has answered so many prayers so faithfully and in such an obvious way that sometimes I sit here in awe at how much He loves me and my sweet family, even when we are being disobedient or selfish. I clung to this verse for a long time:

For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:10-12

And I am now seeing the result of that faithfulness to trust God with my path, no matter where that led. I am sitting in that hope and that future and it is glorious. I am beyond blessed and filled with gratitude to be able to walk into the church I love, and offer my gifts humbly and passionately to serve the kingdom.

And that God has seen fit to put me of all people in this place astounds me. The girl who has always felt worthless and invisible. The woman who wouldn't let go of control and selfishly threw away her dignity and almost lost her family. The woman who fought for a long time against accepting God's truth and love, despite overwhelming evidence that I had failed in everything and every path I had tried without Him.

The woman who now KNOWS her true worth and value is only found in God,that it doesn't matter what I have done, only what I will do with God's direction, and who can now shout "How great is our God" and FEEL it.

My prayer for you is that you will stop and listen to God and really hear Him. He will honor your prayers if you let Him in to every nook and cranny of your heart and soul, and He will lead you where you need to be. He will use you to shine into other's lives and hearts as an example of what can happen with the grace of God.

I Will Not Be Moved

2008-08-14T23:12:00.010-05:00

I Love, Love, Love this song by Natalie Grant. The lyrics say it all!! You can sing along if you like...go on, no one can hear you!!! It's on my playlist below. I'm singing, but my kids keep coming in here asking me to be quiet and/or turn the volume up so they can't hear me. I am not gifted with the ability to sing, so I will settle for making a"joyous noise" instead!!

Comment from Ryan as he came into the room with a pained expression and holding his head in his hands: "Excuse me Mommy, you are TOO LOUD! You're making my head hurt and giving me a headick!"

Isn't he so sweet and polite in his complaints? Too cute. Oh, and that's how he says headache, also too cute.

Enjoy!

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved
I will not be moved
I will not be moved

I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved
I will not be moved

The List

2008-08-12T22:21:00.008-05:00

My friend April blogged about us yesterday- so sweet and unexpected! Thanks April!

Reading her post and her view of the restoration of our marriage made me think of something I journaled a while ago that blew me away with its simplicity and made me practically smack myself in the head because it took me so long to realize it.

Awhile ago a friend of mine asked me to list all the reasons I loved my husband. I had been increasingly frustrated and VERY vocal with the lack of tangible progress on my list of "Things I Wish My Husband Would Do" during the several months we had been in counseling and recovery.

Do you have one of those lists? That seemingly innocent list of "I wish he would do ______, or I wish he wouldn't do _______, or why can't he be more ________? You know, the one that you let build up day by day and week by week until one day the list is so long and so heart-wrenching it seems overwhelming and doesn't put you in the right frame of mind at all? When it is no longer simple wishes like "I wish he would hold my hand, or bring me flowers, or laugh with me, or initiate a date?" But things you hold close to your heart because they mean so much to you?

My list had stuff on it like I wish my husband...

would take responsibility for our family and be the spiritual leader of our family
would help discipline the children and follow the rules for the house
would take accountability for our financial and budgeting decisions
would read the bible
would pray with me and for me
would value and love me for who I am, not who he wants me to be

Wait. Did you read that last one? Do you see the hypocrisy screaming in that? The last one really stopped me in my tracks. God has a way of doing that, you know. Messing up our "well-laid plans" to make ourselves feel better, look better, be superior, or just plain justify our thoughts instead of taking a good look at ourselves and taking responsibility for our own actions and our own hearts.

My husband and I both grew up without strong Christian role models. We had no idea where to really start when it came to learning to obey and trust God, and our previous attempts of doing so without truly understanding and accepting salvation had been disastrous.

Even though the things on my list were desires every Christian wife would probably have, I was not allowing or giving my husband the time to grow spiritually at his own pace and in his own way. I was not valuing or loving or respecting my husband for who he was at that moment, and I wasn't trusting God to work on my husband's heart to further his relationship with God.

I was despairing and complaining about who I thought he wasn't and ignoring all the wonderful qualities about him that I have always known to be true. I was trying to force him to be what I wanted him to be, when I wanted it. I lost sight of the good things- and not just the good things that I fell in love with in the first place, but the blessed and God bestowed good things that I never realized until I truly found God...the REAL reasons this man was brought into my life.

The truth is, my husband has ALWAYS been amazing. I truly feel he was given to me by God to show me what true love means. To show me what it really means to love and be loved, and to help banish the demons of sadness, pain, and sorrow regarding my past.

My husband is kind and caring, funny and joyful, loving and respectful, sweet and playful. He comes up with the most detailed and pampering dates, he is a fantastic father full of joy and fun, and he helps me in any way he can around the house and with the kids. He truly balances and complements me in every way. I am beyond blessed and thankful to call him my husband, and I am happy to stand beside him as his wife and his number one supporter.

As for the list, it now only includes all the things I love about my husband. I never write down a single negative thing. In fact, when a stray thought crosses my mind, I immediately combat that thought with as many wonderful things I can think of about my husband- and there are plenty to choose from!!!

Spiritual Warfare

2008-08-06T10:36:00.001-05:00

Satan attacked me last night--so suddenly, so insidiously, and so viciously that I was initially left shaking and trembling in overwhelming fear at his desire to tear me apart all over again.

Last night I had a dream that pulled me back so deep into the depths of despair and chains of my childhood abuse and the most devastating decision I have ever made in my life, that I woke up not knowing how I was possibly going to escape.

It was one of those dreams, where the events are unfolding innocently enough, and you slowly start to realize something isn’t quite right. You say to yourself, “this is a dream. I need to wake up”. Then you do wake up. Or think you do. When in reality you are “waking up” in your dream.

Then you fall asleep all over again, and the dream starts all over, this time not so innocently. This time a little worse, a little more degrading, a little more secretive, and you start to think in your dream, “I need to hide this from those I love. I can’t let them know I still struggle with insecurity and addictive tendencies so deeply ingrained within me that I still have not been able to fully break free from them after almost two years of learning to lean on our amazing God.” You are ashamed. And beaten down at the resurgence of your sinful nature.

Then you wake up again, but it is once again “waking up” in the dream. And you wonder a little fearfully at the strangeness of your dream, make yourself a cup of hot chocolate, and fall back asleep wrapped tightly in your favorite blanket, mentally and physically trying to wrap yourself in a cocoon of protection and safety.

Then the dream starts again with a calculated vengeance, and you realize with a sudden start that someone else…something else…is in that dream with you. There is a monster there, and he wants to devour you. And the dream is spiraling out of control. And you are giving in, again, to the voice creeping inside your head and the monster in your dreams saying “THIS is all you are worth. You don’t deserve anything more then being used and tossed to the side like the trash you are. You will never overcome your past and your abuse and your sinful decisions and desires because it defines you. It makes you who you are, and you are a fool to think your God will ever be able to change that.”

This time, I start screaming in the dream, screaming to wake up, please let me wake up, please God please. Over and over.

When I finally did wake up, for real, I physically felt and could mentally see the chains of bondage and sin wrapping themselves around me so tightly I could barely breathe, barely move, barely form a single coherent thought because my terror was so great and so deep and so instinctive. My throat was raw and sore, tears streaming down my face.

When I finally had the sense to try and pray, all I could think in my head, was “God help me, God protect me” over and over and over for what felt like hours. I was so shaken to my core that I could not get out of bed, could not reach for my bible, could not recall a single verse to help set my mind at ease and capture the thoughts swirling through my mind. All I could do was beg and beg and beg for God’s hand to reach down and pull me back. Again.

God is so faithful to this mess of a girl.

As the sun slowly started to rise, sending rays of light through my window to land on my bed, skipping over everything in the room and only hitting me, I wondered at the beauty of that light hitting me, and I heard, “I am here.” My peace and perspective slowly and surely returned.

I realized this attack was not sudden at all. It started a few weeks ago, when I was called by my church with an offer of a job. Immediately feelings of inadequacy and doubt and fear crowded out the initial excitement and thankfulness of God once again providing what I needed when I needed it. Several weeks of praying about this, and a slowly starting to hear God whisper that something else was the issue of that reaction led me up to the weekend of a retreat where I received my answer in an amazing and spiritual way. For a girl that is as cynical as I am, who can one day praise God for his provision and then the next day try to explain it away logically and as nothing more then pure luck, my experience at the retreat was truly a display of God’s absolute existence and of course exactly what I needed to hear and how I needed to hear it.

I had two different women that were strangers to me tell me that they felt that God was telling them to tell me something. I am paraphrasing here, but the basic message was that I needed to accept grace and stop protecting myself. On the drive up to that same retreat, I told the ladies sponsoring me that I felt like God was telling me that I need to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. That I needed to find peace in His love, that it wasn’t enough to be able to see His love in action, I needed to cling to it. If I didn’t accept it and kept beating myself up over my past and my mistakes, then I was in fact rebelling against God and refusing to submit and obey, and robbing myself of joy.

As for the protecting part, my husband and I have openly shared our story and our struggles, have openly marveled at how God has taken care of us and led us, but really only in our immediate circle of friends and our church home. And even that sharing, for us both, has been fairly reserved. I realized that I am refusing to be that light on the hill. I’ll share my story, but up to this point have not opened myself up and followed what God wants me to do. He wants me to joyfully and loudly proclaim my love for our God, share what He, and only He, has done in my life. And in doing so encourage others. And until that retreat weekend, I was hiding behind fear of being hurt again by people I trusted, fear of being judged, fear of being rejected, and fear of being ridiculed or laughed at. I was ‘protecting” myself still.

I decided at that retreat that I was no longer going to do that. I firmly set my heart and mind on what God has called me to do. GOD will protect me. GOD will bring me peace. GOD is leading me where He wants me. And it is my choice and my heart’s desire to submit and accept this call thankfully, joyfully, and brimming over with the desire to lead others to the place I am today.

The weekend after the retreat I went to my sister’s wedding, where I was bombarded by a family member with accusations that my memories of my childhood are false and imagined, and that I have damaged my parents reputation beyond repair by sharing my story. That my salvation is not owed to a God at all, but to the ramblings of a girl trying to attract attention to herself. Then I sat at a table at the reception for close to ten hours with the man who initially abused me at the age of five and off and on again for years, and his family who hid it, lied about it, and let it continue because they loved him more then me, and who still to this day refuse to admit any wrong-doing. And I praised God because He was giving me the strength to be gracious. To be empathetic (they are still blind and can not see). To be discerning (I am worth more then they think, in God’s eyes). To be forgiving (as I have been forgiven).

I have come to the humble and distinct conclusion in all my ramblings that I royally pissed Satan off that day and the many days that have passed since my journey has started by refusing to give in. So we come full circle to the dream. Can you see how hard Satan tries to deter us? Over and over in a million different ways? How he not only attacks the very foundations of our beliefs, but tries to exploit and make insurmountable that which we try to keep hidden out of fear? That is a lie!!!!!! The only way, friends, that we can overcome is to stay true and constant to what we believe and whom we follow- God and His glorious word. Even when we think we can’t handle one more thing, one more situation, one more temptation, one more frustration…God is there. God is always there. And I am standing here, battered and bruised, strong and victorious, to tell you, that Satan has not won and WILL NOT WIN me over ever again, no matter what he tries. Are you with me?

God’s Unfailing Love

2008-08-06T10:34:00.003-05:00

For those of you that know me well, you know how much I have struggled over the last year and a half with the loss of what I perceived as my “identity”. I lost my job, my friends, my financial security, my reputation, my self-respect, my pride, my sanity, my dignity, and came so close to losing my marriage and my children that the mere thought still makes my cry.

I selfishly caused unimaginable pain and long-standing harm to those I loved and still love dearly.

But God took my huge act of defiance and sin, and started refining my heart in ways I could never have imagined.

I have learned the hard way (just take my word on that!!) that I am a sinner through and through. That only God’s grace and sacrifice has wiped away my sin and given me a new life.

I learned that I needed to stop depending on people to save me, to protect me, to validate me, to love me in the way I felt I deserved to be loved. I don’t deserve anything, no matter how unfair my life has been or what has happened to me. And the only place I can find all that is in God’s abundant love, glory, grace, and patience.

I learned that I could not depend on people to teach me about God, I had to seek him wholeheartedly myself and with a clear understanding of His beauty and grace only brought by my own disciplined study and desire to seek Him out consistently.

I learned that I needed to stop coveting another life, a different husband, different children, a different marriage, a different body, a different attitude, a different past. I needed to be content with where God has placed me, even if I don’t understand and may never understand the why. I am in the Refiner’s hands.

I learned that I have been carried all my life in God’s hands, even when I didn’t realize it and couldn’t see. The veil has truly been lifted from my eyes. I learned the simple gift of discernment, and being able to truly look at the world around me. I can now see grace in action, evil in action, and have learned to listen immediately when God says “RUN!” instead of trying to fix the situation myself or justify or diminish other people’s actions and motives. I have learned biblical truth and how to convey it, so it is God’s words and desires for us I am speaking, not my own.

I have learned to trust in God and His will, His provision, His direction, His guidance. I have no idea what is in store for me, but whatever God commands I will follow.

Thank you God for ALWAYS being with me. Starting when I was born, during the horribleness of my childhood, during the stupidity and ignorance and rebelliousness and blindness of my early adulthood, and now when I am on the glorious mountaintop with my family beside me. Fighting with all our might and yours to stay there in our hearts and souls, no matter what this life throws at us. Thank you for giving me the ability to wipe my slate clean with the sacrifice of your son. Nothing I have ever been through and ever will go through will compare to the pain and suffering that Jesus went through, for ME and everyone around me. I am beyond humbled, beyond grateful, and will never forget to whom I owe my life, my all.

Our Story

2008-08-05T08:00:00.025-05:00

First, listen to
this
sermon titled "Progress" inspired by our testimony. A beautiful sermon on how God is always working for our good, even when things seem unrepairable and devastating to us.

Then, watch
this
video (Password is hartz) about our testimony. Or skip straight to the video if you don't have time :0). It is about 15 minutes long. The video was followed by us renewing our marriage vows at our ten-year anniversary. We were surrounded with our amazing church family and friends to celebrate and rededicate our new life together, in Christ. Thank you all for showing us grace personified, as well as for your patient love and unending support - we love you!!!

Blessings,
Lindsey and Josh

Sermons from Providence Church; Little Elm, TX. at www.insideprovidence.com