A Different Kind of Free

I sit on the couch, legs curled beneath, holding on to my bible with shaking hands. Waiting for the therapy session to start, pregnant groanings of my soul creaking; rattling to be heard.

Breathing in to steady myself, breathing out to prepare for the coming battle. Another turning inside out and upside down and steadying of my hurt, my longings, my faith.

A sound startles me, I turn to the window. The winter storm has come suddenly and I am mesmerized by the rain dripping silent, plea-filled tracks across the window pane, streaking across and around each other into a glittering display of vibrant crystals; by the crazily furious wind making the trees dance and sway; their branches reaching up to the heavens in supplication, their trunks sunk deep into the ground with resolve.

I look down and see leaves chasing each other in endless pursuit across the lawn. A little whirlwind of chaos that appears to be self-contained and singular pursuing some unknown destination, but are really only at the mercy of a greater power they can not control, nor define, nor escape all along. They stop suddenly, fall to the ground underneath with a sigh, the trees grow still.

The scene reminds me of me, as I walk this road of healing.

The rain eases and fades and blinding sunlight bursts through the clouds, making my eyes squint at the glorious light, and I turn my face away with a sense of awe wrapping itself around, through me.

I see the rainbow then...it is beautiful; big bold colors stretching across the sky. Tears start falling, a common occurrence here, as I behold the promise.

Years ago, I crawled to His feet suffocating under the weight of shame, regret, fear. I laid myself before Him, daring to hope that I could be saved. That what He promised was true.

He freed me from my blindness then; knocked me off my pedestal of pride and self-centeredness and entitlement. He showed me the depths of my depravity, taught me the depths of His grace. Took me down a path filled with struggle and heartbreak and demons I didn’t want to face. A refining fire so scorching that I could not help but walk away different, could not help but crave to be more and more a reflection of Him.

As the rainbow watched over me, my hands stopped shaking and my heart calmed…a steady beat of peace pounding and running through my veins. I knew then it would be different, that He was coming for me this day, and that this time, I would finally allow Him in.

A letting go, an accepting, a rejoicing, a welcoming home at last.

I was made whole this day; an unfettering of the chains that had bound me to this whisper ghost life and all it had taken from me…in its place a joyous clinging to the eternal life that I was made for.

A different kind of free.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
-1 Corinthians 15:54

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Sweet friends, I will be taking a blog break until February as I spend some time praying and seeking God's will for my writing and my path going forward in ministry.

As always, I will be praying for you, and love & cherish each of you.

Blessings,
Lindsey

Merry Christmas and Thank You!

To all my wonderful and precious blog and facebook friends:

I love each of you dearly and pray that each of you has had a wonderful Christmas full of joy and love!

Thank you for your encouragement and wisdom both on facebook and in the blog world- I am truly blessed to have each of you in my life and have loved the spiritual growth, friendships, tears, laughter, and caring that has been a result of knowing each of you.

I can't wait to see how God moves this next year in all our lives, and am truly humbled and privileged to share this journey with each of you!

Blessings,
Lindsey

How Can I Pray for You?

How can I pray for you today? Feel free to post here or send me an email at lindseyhartz@yahoo.com, and listen to the song below. Love you!

And while you are here, would you take a moment to pray for the others who have posted before you?

In Him,
Lindsey

Fight or Flight

I’m sitting on a couch, watching a priest and the adults in my life huddled in the corner. They are speaking in harsh, hushed tones, faces full of chaos. Hope is dripping through me, one slow heartbeat, one unsteady breath, at a time. I’ve finally found the bravery to say something, to show what’s been heartbreakingly done, how I’ve been shattered over and over for years.

My breath catches, a swelling in my soul, my eyes look up to them and the heavens beyond with desperate love and trembling trust.

It’s over.

It’s OVER.

Shouting in my mind.

They turn around, the priest leaves, the adults tower before me, united.

I am told to never speak of this again. And I am left there.

In that moment I learn that it is possible to shatter even more, the pieces of my broken heart and fleeting dreams ground into dust along with the innocence lost long ago by the ones {and the One} I love most.

The only path left for me to choose is one of submission to that shame I can not stop. In fact, I embrace it as only a child forced to survive must, doing what is demanded of me. Each moment, each touch, confirming that I am forsaken.

Deep inside me, mistrust and numbness set in. I am dead to the world; the world is dead to me. And God? He is a pipedream, a fantasy in my head. He’s left me there too.

This lie is what I am fighting, right now, so many years later.

I know I can’t live like this anymore….balancing on a ledge with my face bathed in radiance, hands reaching, the true glory of God calling my name. With claws gripping my back, dragging me closer and closer to the edge, trying to yank me back to the depths of my own personal hell. This push-pull inside me of continuing to fight God’s love versus letting go and taking flight into the mercy of His arms.

I’ve been reminded that I can’t grow weary in my battle, can’t give up on what seems impossible, can’t succumb to the despair that envelops me as I walk through the past again and again. I must continue to press on in this literal fight for the life I am meant to have, in Him.

I’ve been reminded that God never promises to heal fear in us that is based on lies. He only promises to walk us through the journey of picking apart those lies, so we can see that the only way is Him. That the only way is Truth.

O sweet Lord, have mercy on me and my battered heart. I am begging you to hear my desperate cry, to help me forgive what has caused me so much pain, to let go of who Satan wants me to think I am destined to be. I want to believe in your promises; I want to believe in your love; I want to learn to trust again; I want to find joy. Help me learn how.